Kram ned

Ooh, backwards, Denmark means 'hug down' in Swedish!

I have had time to recover from the weekend. A bit. I got in from trying to find a pair of shoes (hello size 13 feet shoe hell) and doing some shopping for grocery to get a text from the lovely Roger saying 'Are you coming to the pubquiz?'. So I duly went. It was fun. We lost, but it was v g, and I got rather pissed on pear cider, which Ulla informs me is only ever drunk by 15 year old girls. So that fits my psychological profile perfick!

I woke up with a hornover again. Lalala. Then got an industrial shed-sized load of work in, so I did it.

A weekend of highs, lows, beer, hangovers, and dancing. And of friends. And fun.

Before I left Copenhagen on Sunday, I went for a scout round the erotica museum. Just for informational purposes obviously, and not cos I'm a perv. Honest. There was only one room of gayness, but it was quite good, and I had to leave rather quickly lest... well, you get the gist.

Copenhagen was v rainy. It was quite British in more ways than Sweden is, but I didn't feel much of an affinity to be honest. Sorry n all. It was still ace since it played host to the Pinkies reuniting, and the clubs rooled. And the hotdogs were nice.

It was lovely to come back to Sweden, and to travel up to Stockholm in the evening sunshine listening to Erasure. Again. I'm having such an Erasure period. Hmmm.

Sweden is lovely. And it looks like I'm going to have some visitors! Huzzah!

Tomorrow preparations for Albert's graduation party begin in earnest, and Ulla's mum and dad are coming up from Lund, which is in Skåne, next to Denmark! They speak Skanska there. Which is like a cross between Swedish and Danish.

Tomorrow I will also start my situp program again. It had been interrupted momentarily...

Wish I could think of something pithy to end. But I can't. So that's that!

Mendark

Ha ha! So little sleep, so much to type! Just in door ish from Copenhagen. I need another holiday! My liver is still not very sure what it did to deserve the onslaught it has endured. Ladies of the United Kingdom - my liver does not salute you! I do though.

What a mental and yet very super weekend. I saw all the Pinkies! (HIYA!!!!) It was so amazing. Turning the corner of the street and seeing so many familiar faces. Then knocking over a pushbike, which somewhat ruined my entrance. Astwere.

The concert rocked. How can I put this diplomatically? I knew some of the words better than others. That's a good way.

The Danes were nice. Very direkt. But nice. Oh I'm too knackered to be witty. I'll do it tomorrow. I'm listening to 'Baby Don't Forget My Number' by Milli Vanilli. Criminal that it only made Number 16. And to think 'Blame It On The Rain' didn't even get in the Top 40.

Bah.

PINKIES - I HEART YOU. Thank you for reminding me who I can be.

Baby, I'm rushing...

Right. Please feel free to live my holiday in photos. It was amazing. I didn't realise how much I needed a holiday til I was actually having one! Like having a poo? Who can say. AVVA PODAKINOMOU! Efharisto poli!

It was truly an amazing holiday. Involving:
* ashtanga yoga (oh my god in heaven)
* Lordi winning Eurovision (ditto)
* Getting rip-roaringly drunk with Xristina on some fierce wine
* Short circuiting the electricity in Anna's front room (oooooooops)
* Welcoming Anna's 82yo uncle home with staples in his head when he got run over by a bike
* eating my own body weight in cake
* eating my own body weight in feta cheese
* eating my own body weight in ice cream from Dodoni's
* eating my own body weight in just about anything that moved (or didn't move)
* picking lemons
* reliving internet via telephone (goodbye 1997!)
* understanding Danish! (sort of...)
* inventing jingles about anna's anatomy entitled "Black! FLAME!!"
* going to a drumming class in someone's front room who looked like Leo Sayer!
* swimming naked in the Med while being very aware I could stand on a sea urchin
* having SUCH smelly feet!
* What a niff!
* hearing 'Om Natten' by Jessica Folcker on the street at 3am and following the noise back to whence from it did come, as if in a schlager-trance
* watching the belgian tv news about the asparagus crop on a granny-it-just-can't-be-that-big plasma screen in tony's living room
* explaining two seasons of desperate housewives in 4 minutes
* FEELING TOTALLY LOVED
* totally loving that feeling

Today is a sort of special day. It is the anniversary of when I met Francis, in 1994. Someone I shared so much with, and whom I don't see now. I am so glad I did share. I hope he is too.

And here am I wondering if love can exist...

Off to Copenhagen tomorrow. More madness on the way, no doubt! Anyone would think I love the madness!

Stockholm, 0400 hours, May 2006. It's hardly Drumchapel, is it?

It is 4am and I am waiting for the bus to the station in Stockholm. This face was not put on!

The kind of poster one should always see upon arrival at an airport!

Hello Greece. This is Sweden.

a nice painting in 'kinky' bar, downtoon athens

anna picks lemons in the garden. as you do.

Eurovision minus 2hrs.

big fish, little fish, wavy lines...

girls know how to work it!

who needs eurovision when you can have sunsets like this?

Xristina and yes, the PARTHENON!

anna points at lovely greek shoe. and looks a bit mental in the process.

a wee present for Anna's mum. A kumquat plant!

Anna touches her kumquat

carmen QUI?

Quick hello from Athens!

Hello! Quckly.

I am about to go and have breakfast (at 1 p.m., yes!) on the veranda looking out at the lemon trees in the garden. Greece rox! I didn't get to the Eurovision proper, what with the black market tickets at EUR 500 a throw. So I watched it here in Anna's boyfriend's Tony's house (any more apostrophes?) near the airport. On a huge plasma screen with the lovely Anna, the lovely Tony and the lovely Xristina, whom I last saw sunning herself naked on a rock in Amorgos in 2004! It was amazing and super.

Carola did Sweden proud, even though she looked half-possessed (and Carola, God tattoos are SO last century!). I was loving the blue and gold costume change.

Lordi won. Blah. But it was a good show, and next year HELSINKI DOTH BECKON!

I tried to figure out how to type in Greek characters, because I can see them on the keyboard, but neither Anna nor myself can figure out how to activate them.

I am SO GLAD I came on holiday. It is so much fun. We went to a deserted beach on Sat and yesterday and skinny-dipped. I sang Min Karlek out into the ocean on Saturday while Anna (ever the Scando) provided a running translation for Tony. Yesterday's song was Dancing Queen with a verse in Spanish.

The sun! The sea! The sand! The absolute lack of sex! The fact that getting a suntan makes me get da horn so very hard! Anyway...

We are going to Ashtanga yoga this afternoon! I've not done any for almost 3 years so I'm understandably doing the dread-age of it. I will keep you posted if I can still type!

Coffee calls...

I really ought to be working...

...so posting stuff on here just seems so much more fun! Hey all.

I am working for a new company in Paris. They are nice. They sent me a heap of stuff, and I should be getting on with it but I'm not.

I had a bit of a shit day or two. As often happens on Internet, something that looked v promising on the boy front revealed itself to be not that promising after all, and I had gone and invented 'Bridget Jones gets married' volume 3, and was choosing a stylish bridal gown.

This most likely says more about me than anything else.

However, watching your pretty house of cards tumble is still a pastime I'd rather not partake of too often.

As Pauline, my spiritual guide in the disco realm, said 'If it's not real, don't invest in it'. So from now on, until we have met and seen if we click or not, it's a no-go (note to prospective suitors). It's amazing how deeply this all affected me. Yesterday I was a birrova snivelling wreck! But as I just rationalized on the phone, because I am here in the wilds of the north, and still finding my feet, any emotional connection is going to feel that bit stronger. Even if it is only virtual.

One good thing about this whole affair is that it would seem I am now ready to accept I have stylish French baggage, and not let that hinder me from opening up. Now I just have to find the right boy. WHERE ARE YOU?

I am going to Athens on Weds! I have no tickets for Eurovision but I do have plane tickets and somewhere to stay. And hopefully I will meet up with lovely Tim from the Pinkies while I'm there. Hurrah. Then Copenhagen. Then Edinburgh. It's all go.

I bought Shirley Clamp's new LP when it came out on Weds, it is v g. Rather MOR-y but v g. Of course, I couldn't say anything else.

That's all for now. Hej hej!

OK it looks dodgy cos he is between my legs, but it isn't, promise!

Nice dog photo

I originally wrote what I considered to be a pithy analysis of the pitfalls of modern dating here. But All and her friend Sundry considered that it was a bit too passive-aggressive for comfort. So here's a lovely picture of Tuff, the dog in the family I am living with.

Which I'm sure is much less passive-aggressive!

:o)

Typical!

You wait ages for someone to post, then there are like, three at the same time. I remember the days when... etc.

I thought i would just write because summer is so very HERE now! Spring lasted about 5 minutes, and now we are having 30 degree heat! Today was ace. Ulla took me to her favourite cafe and we drank coffee and chatted to the regulars. One of whom is a top Swedish film-maker! He is called Karl-Johan de Geer I think. Anyway, he has got a new film coming out, and guess which ho-features is doing the proofing? AND translating it into French??

Yes girlz, 'tis I!

How exciting. It is so beautiful here when the sun is out. I know I do go on about it being beautiful a lot, but IT IS!

I had another sitting by the seafront moment, today to 'Stay With Me' by Erasure. It was so right, and I was lost in reverie and blubbing (but with my shades on, so fashion was saved!)

I love Stay With Me. It is from their 'experimental' album and it is sort of slow and bleepy, melodic and weepy. I want to dance to it as part of a pair and ... (insert Bridget Jones-esque fantasy here).

I did ordinal numbers in Swedish today (that is: first, second, third, for the non-linguists among you).

Obviously, left in such a hectic rush this morning that I forgot my travelcard, so had to buy a bus ticket home. In Swedish, if you please. Me: "Hej! Jag vill gå till Nacka" Driver (who was HAWT!) "Tjugo kronor" Me: "Varsågod. Tack så mycket!"

I was v proud of myself. I realise this is equivalent to "Bonjour. Ca va?" but I am loving it hard anyway.

Tonight we are watching Lady Chatterley's Lover and then I am going to Lino. (to get off with Sean Bean? I wish. Jag onskar.)

Just in case you don't believe me, here IS my window! How fabulous is my view exactly? Do feel free to write an adjective in the 'comments'.

phew what a scorcher!

NO JOKE! This is the view from outside my house!!

Me? A homosexual? Surely you jest sir!

This I feel perfectly ca(m)ptures the essence of all that is K3.

Alle kleuren van de regenboog

Hey hey Helens!

'Tis Friday morn. I am up bright and early thanks to the consumption of one too many shandies last night. Which always seems to make one wake up earlier (Salut Fred!)

So here I sit, farting really rather despicably. I am listening to Belgium's favourite Dutch-language girl group, K3. They are like the best selling act for the under-5s. When I lived in Brussels with Pauline and chum, I tried to learn Dutch thanks to K3. It wasn't the most rip-roaringly successful jaunt, but I did learn many useful words. Like 'vis' for 'fish' for example.

The song 'Alle kleuren' was arguably K3's finest hour. The chorus goes (my translation, sorry for any uber-clangers):
From Africa to America
From the Himalayas to the Wild West
From Africa to America
Yes things are so much nicer when we are together
Hand in hand, eye to eye
All the colours of the rainbow! (alle kleuren van de regenboog)

It really reminds me of a fun and Europe-tastic time in my life! Pauline was given the cd as a sort of joke, but the guy who gave it to him didn't realise that bad pop for the rest of the world = scintillatingly good pop for the Pauline and the Finda. Pauline's poor boyfriend, needless to say, didn't love K3. And he probably still doesn't love them now. I am going to post a photo.

They are called K3, by the way, because one is called Karen, one Kristell and one Katrin. Creativity all over, no?

Oh God I can't stop listening to it!!!

Also, my ex used to hate K3. Like, what was I DOING with that loser?! I once had K3 as wallpaper on my PC. And he complained bitterly til I took them off. Had I known he was using my PC to cheat on me with a hairdresser, I might have had some rather bitter complaining of my own to do.

My favourite pen (which is on refill no. 3, fact fans) is yes, a K3 pen. And I have door 'do not disturb' labels that say 'Jongens NEJ!' or similar (Boys NO!) on them. K3 I'm so with you.

I am trying to work out the dynamics of online 'friendships'. I can't work them out. And when I say 'friendships', you get me. It is so very head-throbtastically confusing. Pauline is advising me to walk away from that shop, or at least to get a money-back guarantee. Online shenanigans - I remain unconvinced. It does help fill up your time though...

OK so you want to know all sorts of juicy gossip then? Well so do I, that's why I subscribe to Popbitch. Oh you mean MY life? Well, I am loving living here in lovely Nacka (ie it is not "Nacka'd"!! Boom boom!). Ulla and her sons are so nice. And so is their immaculately preened dog. Part of me would like to say I miss Anissa, but I just don't! She was a total advantage-taker. And farts that would kill Ian Paisley that you blame on your unborn child. God help him when he eventually gets out - "It's your fault that mummy lost her figure and became a crackhead".

I have been getting a bit better at Swedish. I went for an assessment at the Folkuniversitetet (adult education centre) yesterday, and I sailed through Test 1. I fell flat on my face at Test 2 though. But I am level B1, which is q good apparently. I wish I had the balls to actually open my mouth though (I know that sounds a bit mad, but I get totally tongue-tied...)

Then I went on to CHOIR! I am so hearting that. Esp going to bars and getting drunk with poovetry after. We did some singing then off to the bar with my new best friend Nils, who is lovely and goes out with lovely Danne. So I met an ENGLISHMAN in the choir called Roger (hello!) and I thought he was like, 23, and lo and behold, he is thirty fucquing seven! So that's what daily semen facials do to a boy!

We had fun, and cracked British jokes. I was very loud. The Swedes look at you in a half-frightened half-disdainful way if you are too loud. And one too many ales tends to pump up my volume. It was great though. And I got the bus home. The bus is super because it talks, so I know when to get off (it would be a bit more hectic otherwise, in the dark, Sweden looks like anywhere else!) Sooz, I also explained to the throng how I helped you remember the gender of 'candle' in French. Just to prove a point, obviously, and not to attract attention or be fawned over, you understand...

I met some lovely men. Like, not boys, jaha? Men. Proper ones.

So I may have to go and touch myself inappropriately now.

Bye then :) Hope youse are all well likesay.

Hej hej!

A day is a long time in showbiz...

Hello. Right, so much has happened in 4 or so days! Here is a brief synopsis...

On Friday, Anissa did my head in spectacularly. Not only did I become her secretary, but I was very close to becoming the Bank of Finda, and the chief bag-carrier. She decided it would be a good idea to go to a Buddhist retreat costing SEK 1,500. One problem, that left her with SEK 500 for the rest of May (that is £30).

Do you think it would be humanly possible for me to cook food in the kitchen and eat it while Anissa ate gruel? Do you think she'd kind of understood that? Hi, I'm Johnathon, please take me to the cleaners. No, I don't mind, really, no.

She left after trying to make me carry her bag downstairs (I refused).

And I decided to do something about my situation. Either I was going to come back home, or I was going to find a new place to live. So I chose option 2.

I type you this from a new Stockholm suburb, Nacka. After some frantic emailing and phonecalls on Saturday, I am now a houseguest of the lovely Ulla (a film maker) and her 2 teenage sons Albert (death metal guitarist!) and Samuel (speaks English and French!)

It has been hectic, but I left Anissa a note saying I had had enough. I wished her luck, but said I was her flatmate, not her partner.

When I told Ulla et al about the whole Anissa scene they were aghast. And so was I when I recounted it all.

I am knacked, so will end here. My room looks out onto a LAKE! It is lovely. And we have a dog! Called Tuf. He is a Lassie-dog! And he has impeccable taste, since he loves me!

:o)