I am the kitten-genocide perpetrator.

How much did I laugh?

Jag sjunger overallt i Stockholm!

but... but... I HAVE the best hair! Not you!

spring is springing!

Did they know I was coming?

Pour Fred: Si je trouve ca sur un t-shirt, je te l'achete! Tu vois, t'as beau avoir une allee a Berlin, a Stockholm t'as une MAISON DE SERVICE!

a long street

The man in this photo woke me up one morning, with the noise from the contraption on his back, which I think can be best described as 'a hairdrier for snow'.

Look! I love Bob! And he's dilutable!

Jessie the dug. She's very sweet you know. Apart from when I have to pick up her poo.

Singing Shirley in town (this bit was 'min k�rlek till diiiiiiiig')

Mean grrrlzz of Stockholm!

No idea what the title might mean, but I'm quite liking it! Hi world!!!! I've not been on forever, but I have been working so hard it is not even funny. My arse is killing me from this seat (and only from this seat, I hasten to add!). The good thing about doing lots of work is that I get lots of dosh and can keep living in the style to which I have become accustomed. (I wish!).

What has been happening? Erm. Let me gather my thought(s).

Right, I have been in touch with someone on the world's fiercest gay website (www.thingbox.com) who it appears went to NURSERY SCHOOL with me! Like, at the same time! I'm sure we must have talked about Abba and the need for the world to be taken over by a diminutive Australian pop icon in, oh, shall we say 12 years' time, circa 1976...

How strange, we were chatting away and then that came up! I almost wet my pants. It was very cosmic-tastic. How bizarre to come to Stockholm and be catapulted back into my earliest incarnation! When I couldn't SPEAK! And didn't even know who Shirley Clamp was!

Oh strangely as I type, the non-disco version of Christer Bjorkman's 'Tu n'es pas un ange' has come on. Well it is in fact the original version sung by Edith Piaf. And now Linda Bengtzing.

So Anissa has been sort of doing my nut in. Just with the farting, and the endless 'BUT I'M PREGNANT!'. Yeah, well bitch, I AIN'T THE DADDY! God, even thinking about touching minge makes me slightly uneasy... Perhaps I should sing her a rendition of 'Billie Jean'?

I went out for a wander with my camera the other day (in a rare moment of going out the house!) and snapped all sorts of weird things on my travels. I will post them after this.

Last night, I was treated (only in Sweden!) to a program covering the first 9 songs of the Eurovision coming up next month, with celebrities from the world of Scandic showbiz commenting on them! Presented by Christer Bjorkman (my ex-future husband. Christer, the hair! THE HAIR!!!). It was great. Predictably, the winner according to the Scandos was (yes!) 'Je t'adore' by Kate Ryan. Christer (ever the wit) said 'No it's not 'Shut the door, but Je t'adore!' I laughed, more because I understood his Swedish than anything else!

Do you know, Je t'adore is actually written by Swedes! So THAT'S why I like it so!

I am trying to sort out going to Athens for next month's Eurovision-gayfest. It should be do-able, I must phone Anna the Danish-Greek belly dancer that is my pal there.

I went to Lino on Saturday and got vaguely chatted up by a boy. I say vaguely because his very novel (it has to be said) technique for chatting me up consisted in: move 1) poke JF in eye! move 2) apologize profusely > when JF moves away, move 3) follow JF to other room, start dancing like a maniac in front of him and blatantly ignoring JF's body language. Move 4) bellow 'I'm from Yugoslavia!'

Topped off with move 5) have really bad curtain hair

I left.

But I did have a lovely hotdog just outside.

Oh I hope what I just wrote isn't cruel. Note to any prospective suitors (stop laughing at the back!) - please do not poke me in the eye. It is not a good look, it is not seductive and I will not think you are witty and amusing. Though love may well be blind, I do not wish to be. And anyway, if what they say about masturbation were true, I'd be typing this in Braille. Thank you.

I just downloaded The Producers. (note, if any bigwigs read this, I did not just download The Producers.) I am going to watch it.

Caro - ta for super chat. Di - ditto. Weeze - boys are BAD NEWS. Become a lesbian. I should know, I am one!

Oh I'm also going to upload 2 photos that made me crease myself (je me suis tordu de rire, quoi!). Loving u hard!

Anal mini-post

Due to the overwhelming demand for the correction of the French mistakes in Kate Ryan’s homepage, here they are:

Chers Fans,

Mon nouveau site, qui sera en français, néerlandais et anglais est en cours d’élaboration. Merci beaucoup pour votre patience et votre soutien.

Tsk, Kate.

I have been working like a ho with her knickers on fire all bloody week. I did make a small shedload of money, admittedly, but my brain is somewhat dead, so this will be brief. Also, Anissette and I are off into town. I am going to buy her lunch. Cos I'm nice like that.

I have no other news. Apart from masturbation, which is hardly news really, is it?

It's the weekend. At long last.

Hope you're all rocking. Sorry I got your birthday wrong Chele. Hope it went well. Big Stockholm kisses to u. xxxxXxxxx

Raymond & Maria (anyone's guess which is which) a mere stonesthrow from my flat!

Kate! And a prize for the French mistakes!

Je t'adore!

Hejjjjjj! (this is how Swedish girls say hello. Imagine saying 'Hey' but accenting the '-y' part WAY too much and at a frequency that only dogs will hear. I have really noticed it when at the supermarket, strangely.)

I am listening to/watching the Belgium entry for Eurovision. It is totally great. And in fact even better than the Swedish entry (Linda woz robbed, etc.) It is called 'Je t'adore' by Flemish songstress Kate Ryan. You too can watch it here if you want:
http://www.een.be/extra/subsites/eurosong2006/e_song_kand_32/index.shtml?video_4

Anyway, Kate's real name is Katrien, so she cunningly made it into two words and -kapow!- an English-language star is born. Right, I am going to upload the front page of her site. You can win prizes if you can find the mistakes in the French. (There are many.) I will upload an 'anal mini-post' with the corrections after. If anyone can think of a suitable prize, do add it as a comment!

Right, I have had a lovely week. It has involved a lot of messaging on internet, perhaps the most exciting thing the internet ever provided! (apart from porn) (and mp3s) (and ability to watch the French news every night). It has also involved an absolute SHEDLOAD of work (you wait for a bus, then 3 come along, and you say 'fucque this, where's my private jet?'). I am still deep in work. But I will do some later after this rant.

I FINALLY went to Connection's on Fri. It is super, free to get in, and plays super dance classics. They were playing the new 12" of Carola's Evighet (in English, 'Invincible') non-stop. They also played Shirley Clamp so I felt honour-bound to dance. Then found myself inexplicably in a tall Swedish boy-sandwich! Can't say I was bothered either way, ackch.

I downloaded Catherine Tait for Anissa's delectation, so now we have a Bosnian Swedish pregnant refugee going round the house saying 'Nah, but am I bovvered though?'. It is surreal!

We went for a super lovely walk for FOUR hours today! Sweden truly is the land that nature chose to make her own. It is just breathtakingly amazingly beautiful and calming. I heart. We borrowed the neighbour's dog, Jessie (how appropriate!) and walked and walked. We took a huge thermos of tea and sat like an old English couple talking about allotments and Swedish etiquette and things of this ilk.

I was supposed to have a date with a boy yesterday. By boy, I mean he was 38, in case my nutcase of a mother is reading this. He didn't ring though! Han ringde INTE! Oh well, his loss. There are loads of crocii (crocuses?) around. It is beautiful. And hardly any snow!

I bought a Swedish-English kids' dictionary (Min forsta engelska ordbok) and it is great. Much better than the grown-up (vuxen) dictionaries, which have no colour pictures. I mean, a dictionary with no pictures? HELLO!! I also bought a DVD with lots of Swedish pop vids on, including one by a Swedish indie group called 'Raymond & Maria'. This has always confused me, because there are 2 girls singing and I'm thinking 'Is one of them called Raymond?' I still don't really know. BUT imagine my surprise when upon viewing the video, I realised with UTTER DISBELIEF that it was made OUTSIDE MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

I almost shat myself, really. (Paul, sorry doll, eat my jealousy pie!). I have this new software that lets u take pictures of DVDs as they are playing, so I will attempt this technologically v hard feat and you too can see the distinctive 'yellow houses with red roofs'-ness that is Midsommarkransen (Midsummer laurel crown!) where I live. It was so amazing to see it on screen. I was like 'ANISSSAAAAAAAAA! Kom hitt! NU!'

Right, back into the depths of Air France luxury air travel with me.

Sweden rocks. I am HAPPY today! I know I'm quite happy most of the time anyway, but today I really feel it. It makes me want to cry actually! Which is q paradoxical. But TACK SA MYCKET SVERIGE. You rule!

xxx

Shirl's new LP! 'Favourites in Swedish' *faints*

Cliff! Your neck is not a good look!

No! Not Sir Cliff!

Where to start?

At the beginning, 'tis apparently a v g place. I have had a nice w-e. It was pretty uneventful apart from my Saturday night dream. I swear there must be something in the water here. I have these ABSOLUTELY trippy and hyperreal dreams!

Saturday's was no exception. It was another ex-based dream. Which is crap. Do you know, every dream I have with him in involves me asking him to be honest with me and him totally skirting the issue. For the uninitiated, my ex and I went out for 8 years and at the end, he double-two-timed me right under my nose and it was not the best of looks.

So that was bad enough in itself. What made it even more surreal was the fact that shortly before turning into my ex, the person in my dream was Cliff Richard. And I was having sex with him. How wrong is that exactly? I was bumming Sir Cliff in my dream!

I really ought to see a medical professional, no? The worst bit was, you know how people can have plastic surgery to get rid of all signs of aging, APART FROM ON THEIR NECK AND HANDS? Well, I was sort of kissing the goose-like neck of Sir Cliff in my dream. And I did not find it v attractive either.

I woke up in some state. As you might imagine.

Honestly.

Right, now for some good news! SHIRLEY CLAMP IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM!! Which is just the total best news. The fact that she's covering Roxette on it is perhaps less good. But we don't care, with boots like that on, she can sing 'Old MacDonald had a farm (and was subsequently arrested for bestiality)' and we'll dig it.

My lovely Swedish teacher Regina from London (who'd have thought! My Swedish teacher was called 'Queen'!) got in touch today sending me a job ad for an English teacher in Stureplan. That would be a good look on the cash and pals front. What a nice thing to do.

I went out to Hornstull yesterday morning with the Anissa, and we browsed an eco-market, then had some super food while we listened to someone (the antithesis of Shirley) singing songs with (eek) a guitar. Wrongness. I toyed with the idea of going to Patricia last night, but after the 'no underground and dodgy taxiride' fiasco of last week, I decided to stay in and watch 6 Feet Under on SV2 instead. V g it was too.

Today, I got some work to do. It was fun. Then Anissa phoned to tell me she's expecting a baby BOY! So I met her at the mosque for some mint tea. As you do. She has been buying dinky kiddie clothes. Including a pink shirt. Hurrah. Gender identity is SO last year. Just ask Maureen Lipman. An ology?? 'E'S GOT AN OLOGY!

Oh I have started reading 'Watching the English' by Kate Fox. It is great. It's a bit like Bridget Jones tackling anthropology. And what could get more gay pride points than that? Unless it were being read to me by Colin Firth feeding me grapes, and then getting jiggy with my Scottish boy biscuit.

Jaha!

Oh. I am going on a DATE! With a photoless Swedish man called Peter! On Sat! I do hope he's not a dwarf. And has all his own teeth.

Right. I'm off to say 10 hail mary's for my Cliff-inspired wrongness. I would say 'Get thee behind me Cliff' but that would be unsavoury in a whole galaxy of ways.

KALLA NATTER by Jessica Andersson is the best song in the world (apart from 'Min Kärlek' which is untouchable). It totally just rocks the disco's balls til they're sore!

Anyway. Bye!

The quayside from my Banderas moment...

No she's not in Boney M!

Anissa! The famed lady in Indiska amid the plastic flowers!

Look at the bottom left-hand corner. Try not to laugh as much as I did!

Fashion! And an arty photo!

Sunshine!

Ladies! Gentlemen! Transsexuals!

Hiya. Not been on for a bit. Have been far too engrossed in living. HAahahahahaha. ie. have been too engrossed in:

* watching the DVD of Melodifestival 2006 I got on Tuesday! (screeeeeeeeeeeeam!)
* having in-depth chats with Anissa about the nature of karma and how to forgive our unfaithful exes (not really sure how that one's doing! and also, I'm not currently carrying my ex's baby!)
* watching telly! I got it in my room. There are only 4 channels, and they play unbelievable things like EMMERDALE with Swedish subtitles (no joke!) and The Man From U.N.C.L.E.!!
* freaking out because I had no work. And then I got some from a nice new company in Paris. Hurrah! Let's hope it doesn't turn out like NettProfile, who are a v bad company that owe me £1500 and refuse to pay! Thanks for that, I must remember to do companies 'favours' and not go on summer holiday more often!
* looking at 'the boyz' (tm). Spring has officially sprung! In my loins! If proof were ever needed of one's homosexuality (like I needed any!), every Spring brings it in ample quantities. Hello, are you a man of reputable age? Would you like to make poo-babies with me? And other implausible thoughts abounding in the 32-y.o. homosexual's head.
* gazing in wonderment and having super 'oh my goodness, thank you Life Training!' moments when I watch the sun set over the harbour. Yesterday's 'moment' was particularly poignant as I blinked back tears listening to 'This Is Your Life' by Banderas, and realising that yes, this IS my life, and I'm so glad that I am living it!

Thinking back to three years ago when all I could do was cry immobile on the floor at the industrial-sized betrayal spectacularly executed by my ex, it's amazing to realise I got over it, and my heart got even bigger! Now when will the next epic love adventure turn up! Hurry up, it's spring and I want to connect in every way!

I went to choir last night, and it wasn't on! But I met someone lovely called Danne from Finland - he's a Finlandsvensk, Nathalina! - in the lift. He is also lovely Nils from choir's boifreynd. So that was a bit 'oh!' then 'ah!'-tastic. Danne and I went for coffee, where he spoke Swedish and I spoke English, and we had such a good time! So he and Nils will get in touch when they get back from the USA with the Svensk choir. And I will have NICE FRIENDS! of the SCANDO VARIETY! Scream!

I went and bought Paul a CD in a bag. It's a limited edition. I got myself a wee thing or two too.

The Melodifestival 2006 dvd is amazing. I am trying to ration it, because there are only 2 dvd's and it's a whole year until the next shebang! I was amazed last night that Danne could speak Svenska and I could understand him! No, but really! So that's rocking.

I've been here for 3 weeks! And I miss the UK a bit. Do you know, what's really strange is that I miss France more! You can get the news on France 3 by internet here, and I am loving watching it. And France is so up le crique de la merde at the moment!

Right. So HELLO and thank you for reading my ramblings thus far. I will try to go to Connections tonight, and not look like a lone gay cruisetastic chicken hawk in the corner. If you don't know what a chicken hawk is, that's probably a good thing...

I am about to put up some more photos. One of STUREPLAN which is next to where Danne lives. It is the FASH-ION district! Linda Bengtzing sings about it in her unfairly-ignored second single, Diamanter.

Hej då!

Linda B - she looks WELL hungry for microphone!

LINDA ROCKS! but not as much as Shirley...

I have shamelessly lifted this from a post I wrote on a gay website. I cannae be boathered daein' it again, likes.

I have just had a nice stew that Anissa made before she left (while I was asleep). Where is she? Ho hum. The snow is melting! Then it snows again. Very unpredictable!

Anyway...

OK, I realise none of you were there. But I was. For those of you not in the know, Linda Bengtzing is a Swedish songstress much beloved by the gays of Sweden. Her singles have been very ‘bouncy’ and her recent crack at winning the Swedish Song for Europe, Melodifestival, was a v g effort.

Anyhow. She played at Lino, this super schlager club in central Stockholm (only a stonesthrow from Gamla Stan metro!) last night. Predictably, she rocked. Rather unpredictably, no really, she rocked. i.e. with the fags’ best friend, the heavy metal guitar, or axe.

Linda was promoting her new LP, Ingenting Att Forlora (Nothing To Lose) and it is effecticely chocka with axe-laced choons. Brrr. So she took to the stage with her blonde backing singerette and sang ‘Medan Du Sov’ (While you slept). It didn’t exactly set the place on fire, but was q good. For those that know, she played in the ‘trendy dance’ room of Lino, i.e. not the one where you dance to schlager and Kikki Danielsson.

She’s a chirpy soul, and was full of witty repartee with the throng. Of which I understood not v much unforts. Oh well. She then sang ‘Kan du se’ (Can You See), which also rocked out. I moved further forward. Then the fun started: she sang ‘Jag Ljuger Så Bra’, her Eurovision bid from this year. Two v gay dancers got onstage and did a routine. It was v g.

Then ‘Alla flickor’, her super big hit from last year. The crowd went mental. I had a ‘moment of oneness’ with the Swedes. It was fun.

Then the encore of ‘Jag Ljuger…’ again. I was scandalized! Where was her 2nd single ‘Diamanter’ (Diamonds) Where? WHERE? Nowhere, that’s where. Oh well, she still rocked.

The evening then became a blur of ‘Mariestad’ beer, boys and schlager. A bit like every Saturday for me nowadays!

Tonight it’s Andres Esteche at Patricia, the big gayfest on a boat. Pride!