Where are u now?

BCN

2009-10-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well it's been an age, hasn't it? I blame Facebook. It sort of makes blogging obsolete. But I have been prompted to start this again after the lovely Amy from choir sent me a msg saying how great it would be if I were to write all my stuff down.

I dunno. There's a whole lot of thinking to be done in order to organise paragraphs! But we'll see.

So I have moved to Barcelona for a wee while to see what happens here. I will keep you updated as to what may or may not be afoot. For now, I'm going for a wee sleep.

:o)

Lonely hearts

2007-05-20T04:37:00.000-07:00

...by Wendy Cope. Too hung over to blog today. Ow.

Lonely Hearts
Wendy Cope

Can someone make my simple wish come true?
Male biker seeks female for touring fun.
Do you live in North London? Is it you?

Gay vegetarian whose friends are few,
I'm into music, Shakespeare and the sun.
Can someone make my simple wish come true?

Executive in search of something new -
Perhaps bisexual woman, arty, young.
Do you live in North London? Is it you?

Successful, straight and solvent? I an too -
Attractive Jewish lady with a son.
Can someone make my simple wish come true?

I'm Libran, inexperienced and blue -
Need slim non-smoker, under twenty-one.
Do you live in North London? Is it you?

Please write (with photo) to Box 152
Who knows where it may lead once we've begun?
Can someone make my simple wish come true?
Do you live in North London? Is it you?

Wendy Cope

You better work!

2007-05-15T01:50:00.000-07:00

Man am I bored with working!

I have a huge job on, and I have to use this company's proprietary software to do it. Which isn't so bad, but it is a little bit more taxing on the grey matter and I am just a bit knackered really.

Me and Ulla watched "Some Like It Hot" last night. I'd never seen it! It was like, the most gay-tastic film ever! What a riot.

I am a bit perturbed today. It's my own fault in a way. I was really hung up on a guy last year for the whole time I was in Sweden, basically. It turned out (this was spooky) that I went to nursery school (!) with him (there were only 14 people in the class apparently). Anyway, he had sent me a random message on my fave website Thingbox last year just saying "You're from the same place as me" and then it turned out we knew each other when we were 3!

So we met up last summer, and I sort of completely melted and was dead happy I still could. But he didn't feel the same way about me, and I went off v v sad with my tail between my legs.

Stupidly, last night I thought it might be fun to see if his blog was still online. And lo and behold it was, and he is now happily in a couple with someone. It just really fucque'd me off actually.

Like, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Do I have "Please, don't go out with me, I'm a freak and I'll make your life miserable!" written in some form of invisible ink on my soul?

Self-pity. I know. It just annoyed me because he really helped me open up, and then of course it was a non-starter. Like, NOT FAIR yeah?

Oh blah. I'm just pissed off because I have to work so hard, I think. At least I have Svenska Favoriter and a wealth of schlager to keep me company.

Yay! Sort of.

Flying the Flag (for Sweden)

2007-05-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hej girls, hej boys, hej superstar deejays-here we go!

Right, it is Saturday afternoon and I should be doing work (story of my life) but am just too excited what with the impending camp-fest that is Eurovision... in a matter of hours!

This will be my first Eurovision in Sweden. We are celebrating in a suitably sedate Swedish way... Ulla's daughter Elsa and her bf Peter are coming, and Albert, her eldest son is coming round. She has made a special Ulla Cheesecake (best in the world!) and though she has been a crabbit old ho today, I'm sure this will change, and her sunny disposition will again be on display...

So, what's new? Well, have been working loads and loads. Not v interesting, but it's been taking up a lot of time, and I've been hearing Ka-Ching a lot.

Watched the Eurovision semis on Thurs, GUTTED that Denmark didn't qualify. It's an Eastern bloc extravaganza nowadays. But it's still Eurovision, and just how miserable would I be if it weren't there at all? Clue: v.

I mean, Bucks Fizz was my first ever concert at the Edinburgh Playhouse on the 15th Aug 1982. My life would never be the same again. I remember my Mum commenting to a friend that Jay Aston was "hard as nails - not a nice woman". Funny that.

So what else. Erm...

Ooh yes. Went out to Torget (super Stockholm gay bar with chandeliers) for 1st time since coming back, with Lisa from Liverpool. Lisa is doing a post-doc at the Karolinksainstitutet here, though she's not so v happy and we'll see where she goes next...

So we got thoroughly sozzled on pear cider and then I dragged her round to Connections, fierce gay club. It was nice not to be there on my own for a change! She got a bit sick of dancing to schalger (what's WRONG with her?) and so beat a hasty retreat. Upon which, to my great surprise, some guy started totally checking me out on the dancefloor. I couldn't see v much what with the strobe lights and being pissed, but it looked like he was dancing with his lady friend. When the lady friend went off to get drinks, man started to seriously eye me, and then came over and OOPS! there we were locked in a tongue sandwich. I was thinking 'Less tongue, more mouth pls' but that is just me, maybe.

Anyhow, it was q fun. Esp since Ulla had just got me to stand on her scales which declared my body contained 42% fat!!!! Like, I am fatter than creme fucking fraiche! I was not pleased. I think the scales they do lie. Me, a fatty? Come now...

So after vague snog, the guy's lady friend came back with drinks. Except it wasn't a ladyfriend but in fact a boyfriend. I hadn't seen he had a beard b4 (damn strobe lights! damn pear cider!)

Things looked hairy for a sec. I thought 'oh fucque this'. So I made like I was going to the bar and then just left. Had a lovely sausage in a bap on the way home (not a euphemism, can I just say?) and it was probably 42% fat as well. Hurrah.

Came home, Ulla woke up, we ended up blethering on the bed for 2 hours and eating chocolate digestives. Was v g.

Went to meet her at Kaffebar at 12. Ulla is in dismay about Turkey maybe winning Eurovision. Like, dismay, yeah? I had to use every ruse to shake that bad boy depression off her face.

Looking up always helps, according to hypnotherapy...

So anyway. I'd best get on, eh? Quite fancy going to Lino after Eurov tonight, but may be too plastered.

Go The Ark! Go Scooch! Go Verka for Ukraine (drag queen with a star on her head!)

Rock. Tuff the dog is now in love with me. It's official. He scratches at the bedroom door every morning going "Whimper! Whimper! Let me in to lick your face!"

Like, yeah.

:o)

Sunshine After The Rain

2007-05-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well, actually, there hasn't been any rain. A bit of wind perhaps. But "Sunshine After The Wind" sounds a bit dodgy, tbh.

OK, it's Saturday, no school today, so whatcha gonna do?

Well, I thought I might just ramble on a bit on here...

It feels like I never left. Really! Like, as if the whole Sept-May thing in LDN didn't actually happen! V strange. Ulla's cooking is as amazing as it ever was, Ulla and I are both talking the hind legs off a troupe of donkeys, though she is now chatting more in Swedish, which I like (mostly).

The totally strangest thing (and this REALLY IS weird) is that my Swedish is like, 10x better than before! But I haven't actually used it for 7 months! Really mad. Maybe it's doing the hypnotherapy and calming down about it not being absolutely perfect. Me and Queen Pauline both have this sort of "we MUST be perfect at languages before we are considered worthy as people" thing. Him in Dutch, me in French. It is a bit self-defeating when used on a language you are not word-perfect in though.

We have a new flatmate. He is called Daniel and is from Dresden. I was speaking to him this morning and he said "Oh! Do you know it?" and I sort of went "erm". What was I to say? "Oh yeah, we dropped shitloads of bombs on your town." I could have gone for the pottery line, I suppose. They do HAVE pottery in Dresden, don't they?

Anyway Daniel is nice, but pretty disillusioned about Sweden. I think he's going to go back to Germany.

Right, we have also become obsessed by Spiderman. Samuel (Ulla's youngest, 15) downloaded the first 2 Spiderman flicks since he wanted to go and see Spiderman 3 last night, and wanted the background, ja? So on Thurs night, when I really should have been working, ended up watching Spiderman 1+2 back-to-back with Ulla and Samuel, and of course Tuf the dog. They were dead good actually.

However, having now seen Spiderman 3, I can confirm that it is crap compared to the first two. The plot is half-baked and leaves loose ends all over the shop. We don't heart. But it was ok.

I was going to go out to Connections last night, but was a bit scared to, to be honest. I'm not so into this 'going out on one's own' lark since I have spent the past few months nestling in the safe cocoon of lesbianism. I will however go to Lino tonight, if only to dance to Sanna Nielsen's "Vågar du, vågar jag" which is this year's best song so far.

Obviously, the chance to eye up lots of Swedish boy-totty is not to be sniffed at either.

Getting to Stockholm itself was hectic. I went out with the Pinkies en masse on Tues to see Anthony Pinkie's band, "Paleday". They were good. I know all their songs now too. But I do think a keychange or five wouldn't go amiss. I mean if it's good enough for Sanna Nielsen...

Ended up in Molly Moggs gaybar for a fleeting second, then at G-A-Y Late where they let us in this time. Got far too drunk considering I was leaving the country the next day and hadn't packed...

It's so surreal to be back. But good. I've been working totally like a mentalcase as well, and today is the first day I can calm the fucque down.

SO I shall go and have a shower then maybe take Tuf out for a bit and then go into town and see what is up in Stockholm, the most beautiful city ever.

And be excited about the strong possibility of going on hols to MONTREAL (AAAArgh! English and French!!!!) in August.

After Stockholm, Helsinki, Paris, Toulouse and London.

I'm a travel ho! Fly me! xx

OH MY GOD!

2007-05-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

Shoes! No, actually, this is v quick to say - I have come back to Stockholm!

And when I saw Gamla Stan from the bus tonight, do you know what my first thought was (to my horror to an extent, I must say)?

"I'm HOME!"

Make of that what you will. I'm totally shattered and going to bed.

In Nacka! Right after I finish listening to "I Want Your Sex"

Sex is natural, sex is good
Not everybody does it, but everybody should!

Cock-a-hula-hoop!

2007-04-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

Morning world :o)

So I have made a resolution to update this thing at least once a week. Because it's actually fun to go back and see what I was doing at this time last year (TEH MADNESS of Anissa the Bosnian pregnant lady!). And I do have a certain flair for the written medium, n'est-ce pas?

Coupled with the fact that Kay from the Pinkies (HELLO PETAL) was berating me in no uncertain terms for not keeping the thing up-to-date.

You must understand, my life is so very full, darling, that I just can't possibly take the time out of my busy schedule (or masturbation) to fill this in!

OK. Since last I splurged on virtual paper...

*Lynne and Annie from the choir got married
This was a total riot. Lynne basically is the powerhouse behind the choir's organisation. She is also a star. And I am also helping her with her pain troubles, via hypnotherapy. She lives with Annie. They got civilly-partnered last Friday, and the Pinkies were there in force to serenade them. Me and the supremely talented Carol, Tanya and Gill also performed a wee song for them, as our collective, 'Something Fishy'. Twas v well received. Ended up in the 2 Brewers with Miranda from Altos trying to make me talk to a stranger whom I liked the look of. And me saying "I'm out of my comfort zone here, Miranda!'. I then stayed over with lovely Andrew 'Sandra-Sue' Davies and his partner Jamie in Clapham so that I could go to...

*Brussels last Saturday
After 3 1/2 hours sleep and the insane acceptance of a vodka and tonic at 4.30 am, I got the Eurostar to BXL (my favourite city ever) on Sat morning. It was so nice to have a hangover AND an emergency evacuation of Waterloo station at the same time! I was going to BXL to see lovely Greek Anna and her friend lovely Greek Theodosia, who were doing a yoga course there together. It was great (if surreal) arriving in 30-degree heat and meeting Anna in this place where I used to live, and then listening to them talk Greek (it's all it was to me!) in the car b4 going for the best lunch this YEAR in Theodosia's boyfriend's house. Which, fact fans, was a mere throw of stones from where Queen Pauline of Auchtermuchty used to live. Anna and I went there in homage. (two M's?) Paul and I had so many riotous times in that flat - we wrote 'Interact!' in it (a HEART ATTAAAAHCK!), we smoked fags and stubbed them out in a flowerpot on the balcony, we invented 'Ass in C-sharp', I obsessed about lecteurs from Nanterre, we had Eurovision parties that have never been equalled, Paul and Colin rescued me from the hideousness of Francis in August 2002, I discovered The League of Gentlemen, clicking 'No' to the question 'Are you local?' and watching the computer turn off! Misty water-coloured...

Fuck it, I was trying to make each thing into 1 paragraph, but I can't. Sorry. I need paragraphs. Thank you Mrs. Hardie in Primary 5 for making their use clear to me.

So I gave Anna and Theo some hypnotherapy, then Anna and I went into town and drank cherry beer and talked and laughed and walked about. Anna is one of those rare people I can really let go with, and we just slot into each other (no not like that). So it's really nice to just be with her, yars?

We went to my fave tapas bar in BXL, Tapas Locas, then went home and made each other laugh. She had these Greek chocolates with a picture of the Mona Lisa on each one's wrapper, and they were called 'Cioccondas'. This isn't funny til you realise that the Mona Lisa in French is known as 'La Joconde' so 'Ciocconda' is like a play on words. And it is the gayest play on words since, like, evah. So I was announcing "This is the Gay Chocolate Awards 2007. And the winner in the 'Gayest Chocolate Name (2007)' category is.... (drum roll) "La Ciocconda!" (cue rapturous applause). To be fair, La Cioccondas tasted pretty damn figh-ine, actually, but I mean come on - the Mona Lisa staring up at you 'enigmatically' (she was just French, they all look like that) - while you scoff? Non, merci.

So anyway. Then on Sunday, Anna and Theo went to yoga class and I walked through BXL to the Gare du Midi. Except I didn't cos I walked totally the wrong way and ended up about 5 miles from Gare du Midi. Never mind, I only lived there for like SIX MONTHS! Honestly. It amazes me I get home, some nights. Got train back to LDN, it was delayed but that was OK. I tried not to get too stressed, and bought some Mignonettes for munchage instead (mmm! Mignonettes rule!)

Got into Waterloo, rushed onto Bakerloo line, made it to choir just as the warm-up was finishing. Hurrah! Choir still roolz. And it is much better now, since I have made peace to a large degree with the Pinkie-ex mentioned in previous posts. Though he wasn't there. La la la. Then off to the pub. Where Carol was drunk to buggery. And Anthony played his new song. Which was nice. However, I had had such a hectic weekend that I went home early, to prepare for...

* The 'Something Fishy' gig on Tuesday night
Whereby me (Funky Fingers), Tanya (Eliza Mars), Gill (Lara Montage) and Carol (Vinnie Los Campos) stood on a stage, belted out some camp reworkings of classic disco hits, and threw in a few new ones of our own, to whooping and excitement! It was fab. If you go here: http://inthepinkies.blogspot.com then you can see the video. Under Something Fishy. We had a total riot. We did get a tad sozzled after... leading to

*An evening of joy and tears with Gill
Whereby we went to a tapas bar up in Crouch End and reminisced and projected and allsorts and got all sentimental. The food was totally amazing though. The best gazpacho I've ever had outside of Spain. I ate far too much. And felt a bit ill. This continued into Thursday, and I cancelled hypnotherapy with Lynne because I felt a bit fluey. Then I felt better in the afternoon and so braved the outside and went to...

*An evening of belly-dancing and hula-hooping with some gay men in Soho!
I saw this advertised on OUTeverywhere.com, and thought 'why not?' I have to do something to meet new eligible bachelors, because choir always seems like a good idea and then... So I went and donned a skirt with some coins on and learned all about chakras. We love. Then went to Compton's and got quietly sozzled. And met some lovely new people.

It is now Friday and this evening the divine Ms. Sooz and myself are going to do a life-training weekend entitled 'Making Money Count'. And then I can become super-rich and go and live in Palma de Mallorca. So, I do hope your world's less full than mine, because frankly, sometimes I think I have too much going on!

Lovage to you.

Up hill, down dale

2007-04-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

Hello! I am in Yorkshire! Me and Sooz came up on Friday morning (v early). We are staying in a wee village called Sowerby Bridge, in the house her Uncle grew up in (and no longer lives in). It is the house that time and taste forgot, but that carpet madness remembered! Swirly patterns of such staggering LCD-ness that I almost tripped as I came in!

Not forgetting the matching wallpaper or the lemon (LEMON!) bathroom set. We are in heaven.

Sowerby Bridge is but a stonesthrow (ok, a 5-mile walk) from Hebden Bridge, which would you believe has more lesbians per capita than any other place in the WHOLE UK! I think Sooz had a badly-hidden agenda!

We went to a place called Saltaire on Saturday, where the choir apparently came on their Leeds trip last summer. It is an old factory in a town set up by a wealthy mill owner, Mr. Salt. David Hockney, famous moxual artist, was born in the town, and his art did litter the walls. We had some v lovely cake (CAKE!) as we sat in the restaurant. Mmm.

Yesterday we were supposed to go to Manchester to meet Sooz's ex, but we were so v tired after a 5-mile lesbo-hike that it was not a look I could wear. So we went back to the gaybar we had frequented the previous night. We played canasta, which my cousin retaught me last Tuesday in a gay bar in Paris. (fact! I went to Paris at the beginning of last week for a few days. It was teh coolness!)

Anyway. The thing is, I have been unpacking all these boxes I got back from Toulouse where I used to live, and I came across a book called "Le Coeur Découvert" by Michel Tremblay, a super Canadian author. Francis, my ex, gave me it in 1999, saying it reminded him of our relationship.

And yes, I found the book in a Toulouse box, and brought it on hols here. And began reading it again. And cried. And cried. And cried. And then texted Francis. Ooops.

The thing is, I can now realise all the lovely bits of our relationship. I spent so very long just pouring scorn on it, with my "Oh my God he was just the world's biggest loser, n'est-ce pas?". When in fact, I think I was doing the 'protection' thing. Sitting in the lesbian bar with Sooz last night telling her about the time I broke the toilet by putting chicken bones down it and thus obliging me and Francis to poo on newspapers in the adjoining room for 3 days was actually really funny. It was significantly less funny at the time, mind!

So there we are. Reading that book just brought it all back. Canasta, coffee, listening to French music, me being a supremely bad loser. Kisses, touches, complicity, bref l'amour, quoi...

And now Paul who has moved back to Oz, is also experiencing the horridness of breakup and how very existentially rocking it is. It's a wonder anyone ever dares to love again. Hmm, is that my mindtalk?

I am becoming a hypnotherapist, you know. I didn't say that before. It is v g. I am v g. Hurrah. I qualify in July.

Must fly, Sooz has been chained to the kitchen sink and stove making us a cooked breakfast and we are going to eat it. We are having fun. She is my lesbian wife. Pretty much. Oh yeah, the reason I can even post this is that I am leeching Internet from next door's wireless network connection. Technology pride!

Sweden in a month. And I have bought a new flat! Goodbye to the neighbours from Hell on a stick.

:o)

It's been, like, 4EVAH!

2007-02-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

Hi peepsters,

Right, I haven't updated this blog in a million years.

In a nutshell here is what happened:

* I finished the Sweden (part I) stint on Sept 16
* I met Shirley Clamp (aaaaaarrrrgggh!)
* I got to speak better Swedish
* I came back to London in September
* I got obsessed with the musical 'Wicked!'
* I had a thang with someone from the Pink Singers
* He was lovely, as was it, while it lasted
* It didn't last
* Boo hoo hoo

I am now still getting over breakup, which sucks major rhino ass. Our thang went for 3 months. I was dumped rather unceremoniously on New Year's Day. It has to rank as one of the worst times to be dumped.

So since then I have thrown myself back into my own life. It has been a bit of a struggle, but made easier by the superfabulous lesbians I have come to know and love.

The current plan is to sell in E17, buy a new smaller flat, then move back to SuperUlla's from May to August. Then Greece with Anna the Belly Dancing Star in August, then back to the UK in September before buying a 2nd flat in Brussels. (I need to keep my French up.)

Things I have learned in the last few months:
* I can see my Mum again, and it can be nice!
* I love Life Training
* I love Wicked!
* Finda and the right-wing do not mix.
* Like, at all.
* Giving is a great look, but when not accessorized with appropriate Receiving can look like the world's biggest fashion humdinger. A la Jason Donovan and his Amazing Technicolor Fashion Mistake (thanks Smash Hits 1990 for that!)

This is me, I like it light, so I'll stop now. Kisses xxx

2006-07-17T02:07:00.000-07:00

This be the ferry. Big, innit?

SUOMI - Part One

2006-07-17T01:56:00.000-07:00

Hey hey Helens!

Right, am back in from another jaunt. This time to Finland. I am listening to the hot Finnish hit of the summer as I type. It is by Valvomo and called 'Mikä Kesä' which means 'What a summer' apparently. I had SUCH a good time!

On Weds last, lovely Nathalina from the Pinkies came to Stockholm. She is Finlandsvensk, which means she, like 6% of Finns, is bilingual in Finnish and Swedish, as well as being shit hot in English.

We had fun in Stockholm on Weds night, and got drunk in Torget, the only gaybar I seem to frequent nowadays, and I showed her the sights. Then on Thursday, I skived Swedish class (bad!) and we got the ferry to Helsinki (Helsingfors in Swedish). We got a photo taken as we boarded (the 'm/s MARIELLA', fact fans) which I will post if I ever find a scanner here.

We had a super time on the ferry, even though Nath was sleeping with a Finnish wrinkly and I had to share a cabin with two swarthy Finnish leather bikers (oh! poor me! Ritchie, I couldn't help but think of you :o))

After my very first smorgåsbord (it was ace!) sitting next to a Russian lady and child who seemed very keen on wearing the ship's curtains, we danced in the onboard disco, had a cocktail called a 'Flash Gordon' with a flashing icecube in (!), watched a cringe-makingly rubbish English magician, drank salt licorice vodka, Jagermeister (something wrong and German) and beer, and we went to bed totally off our faces.

Woke up what seemed like 3 minutes later on my face to be informed it was morning and time for breakfast. Krrrrr. But all was well in the end. Lots of cold meats and cheese and eggs and not looking at the people sitting opposite us because that would have put me off my breakfast (not sure how kind the gene pool has been to Finland).

Right, have to go to class. Laters...

I have one thing to say...

2006-07-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

Finland ROCKS! Mo' l8r.

Cake!

2006-07-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

Finda and Paul forcefeed one another cake. CAKE!

Sommar i Sverige

2006-07-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hi campers! Hope u is all like, WELL rockin', innit?

I have been meaning to blog and then thinking 'oh must do this, must do that'. So here I am at last.

I went to London last weekend. It was brilliant. I saw QUEEN PAULINE OF AUCHTERMUCHTY again, and it was totally amazing. We had a super time dancing to pap (Nelly Furtado 'Maneater', perhaps the fiercest track to come out of a Canadian Portuguese lady's mouth since the advent of Always Ultra).

Wednesday last, got nasty shock. Went to pay for intensive Swedish course I am now doing, only to find my cards refused! AAAARGH. Turns out one of my main clients has not paid me since March. Thanks for that. It's ok, I'll eat gruel, don't worry. BUGGERS.

Spent fraught afternoon on phone to bank in England (hello phone bill!) from here, and eventually sorted something out. Got to Luton. Was so happy to be HOME! Stayed with the divine Miss Katherine and her cats. Gabriel, the world's fiercest gay cat, was v happy to see me.

Went to flat in E17 next day. Was v strange. But nice. Didn't see horrid neighbour, and only vaguely heard her. Phew. Sorted out invoice hell. Was v hot. Went for meal with Sooz, rocked. Went to meet other internet man, who is v lovely. Drank Stella. Yay!

Friday, met Paul, had a v emotional reunion outside Compton's on Old Compton St. I blubbed. London was hooching with boylovers because it was EUROPRIDE on Sat. Pauline and I made our way to the party celebrating one year of Thingbox, the best gay website evah, and we got v drunk and ogled boys. Paul worked the room like a true professional, I sweated. We ate lots of cake (the thingbox official theme is cake). There is a super photo of us (my fave ever!) which I will post after.

Talked to lots of hot boyz. Demanded that the DJ/thingbox creator play 'Shoes' by Kelly. He didn't have it. Me and Darren, a v naughty moxual, shouted and shouted and laughed.

Saturday was the Pride parade. Met the Pinkies, it was super. Did walk, had a joint, after which was told joint had ONLY GRASS in, no tobacco. Tried to concentrate on walking. Couldn't. Had picnic after with Pinkies. Pauline arrived, we listened to schlager (and MILLI VANILLI! hurrah!) lying on grass. It was a true moment. HARDSNARECLAP!

We went to the retrobar, best bar evah, then on to Duckie's Euroshame and met lovely internet man again. We made some paper planes (as you do) and sat feeling the vibe. It was a good vibe.

Back to P's in Clapham. Sunday, danced to Big Fun in my pants. Howard, Pauline's uvverarf, took photos. I'd tell you where to go to look at them if I had just a modicum less shame...

Sunday night, got on plane in Luton, got off plane in Sweden. Couldn't find phone. Phone had been nicked. BASTARDS! So have been doing admin hell things trying to get a new one. Not rock.

Started Swedish course this week. Is v g. Am learning all sorts of exciting things. There is a lovely French Belgian lady there called Sophie. We are chatting lots. Tis good.

I've been swimming in the lake outside my house every night. Is weird not to have Ulla here, but is still good. Loving Sweden in the sunshine. Going out tonight to Connections. Want to do something a bit positive to find someone to love. Am sick of loving myself. (in many ways fnaaaaar).

It's all v well going 'yes, being alone is fine.' But sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes I want a cuddle and someone to tell me I'm lovely and special (in a good way). IS IT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK? I'm sick of 'doing work on myself', knowing your issues is great and all, but bloody hell. I WANT A MAN TO CUDDLE IN BED AND EXCHANGE KYLIE LYRICS WITH!

So let's see.

Love love love.

Another weekend.

2006-06-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Happ! Another night's fun begins!

Five Star's most overlooked moment, that.

Oh well, here I am again. Listening to Annie, Norway's feeyussest, giving it some 'Chewing Gum'

I have a hangover from the depths. But I am coping. I am NOT going to Patricia. Though there is a pull to.

It would appear the 'hello boys, do you wanna rock?' light has gone on above my head again. A similar thing happened in 2003 just after the Francis extravaganza. It was tongue-tastic. I say this because I went out on Friday with Roger, with rather surprising and kissoramic results. Roger is mylovely English Swedish friend who is going back to England for good next week (Roger, I HATE U!).

Anyway, it was midsummer. It is like, the most important date in the Swedish festive summer calendar. Unsurprisingly. Rog and I went for a picnic but then it got very rainy, so we sheltered under a bush and wished we had known how to make a bivouac. (cannae make one, but I can spell it, eh no?).

SO we had all this food and nowhere to go. Except we did, because we went to Roger's friends Paul and Ali. We had a totally amazingly super afternoon and got incredibly tipsy on Swedish schnapps and sang 'Over the Rainbow' in harmony on the balcony, attracting applause from the bemused Swedes in the street below. FACTORAMA! Paul and Ali's flat looks over where we made the video last week, and they remembered me!

So then Roger and I went to Connections, after some guarana (which rocks), and I got propositioned by loads of boys and bought drinks and all sorts of improper shenanigans like that.

And then I ended up snogging a boy whose name escapes me but who had a partner (prompting me to exit stage left) and who lived in Malmo. It was fun. Roger kept calling me a tart. Three snogs in 6 months would hardly qualify me, would it?

Home, absolutely pisht, then yesterday, got up, went to watch Sweden vs Germany with new Canadian tunnelbana friend Laura and her lovely friend Ulrika. Then off for tea in Torget (lovely bar) with Joe and Phil, lovely West London pals. Was SO NICE to see a familiar face!

Then off to Lino after a severe bout of killer wind. Danced to Shirley's "Mr. Memory". Lovely Nils was there. We had fun. I dropped his G&T. Brrrr.

Got bus home. Poor German man in the seat in front wearing a black kilt and sporting a German flag was getting hassled by drunk Swedish girl - I think she said 'the door's that way' to him in German. He got off at the same stop as me too.

Today, after tumultuous dreams, woke up, felt like poo, drank tea, touched myself inappropriately, did a translation and watched a really super YouTube video called 'Shoes' by a transvestite called Kelly. It is feeyuss.

Am so hungover. Brrr. Tomorrow is another day. Hurrah.

London on Weds!!!

2006-06-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

This be Patricia, home of the foam!

The morning after the night before...

2006-06-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well there you go. If you want it, you get it!

So off did I toddle to Patricia last night. The 'foam party' hadn't yet begun when I got there, though the plastic sheeting was everywhere. Patricia is on 4 levels, each of which has bars and dancefloors. It is a FEEYUSS venue. So the foam was in the basement, and I went out to the top deck (since, after all, it is a ship!). I bumped into various people from the choir, and some from the Pub Quiz team. It was fun. I had some G&T courage prior to leaving Nacka as well. So I was a bit tanked.

I went into the schlager disco room to dance to Ruslana 'Wild Dances', and suddenly I was dancing back to back with a boy who seemed to be very much enjoying my dancing. 'Ey oop' thought I. We kept on dancing. It was fun. Handclapping the 'hey's in Ruslana is always fun.

So then the next record came on and he moved away and motioned to me to come and keep dancing with him. Dancing. Eye contact. Dancing. Alcohol. And then KA-DING! Suddenly our tongues were very much better acquainted. It's weird how it happens, hey? You can feel it is coming for a few seconds then, hello, AK-SHUN.

I have not, as I intimated, had a snog in months. I was v happy. Snogging RULES.

The boy in question, who shall remain nameless, was v insistent on us getting a taxi back to his flat for some 'acquainting' of a more intimate kind (innit?) but Finda stood firm, and said 'Nope, not my thing. But we can snog some more here if you want'. So we did, and we chatted and he seems like a good sort.

It turned out we live in the same part of town. So we got the same bus home (Skinflint pride!) and snogged all the way. Wrongness! But rightness at the same time. We were snogging all over the place. In the bus station. Outside the club. Did you get the idea about us snogging yet? I HEART SNOGGING.

I woke up today thinking 'Bloody hell, take a little step, watch the waves!'. I am not ready quite yet for a new thang. Or maybe just not with him. I don't know.

In any case, he has my number, and has not used it. Ditto for me. So we might just be popping this into the 'ace snogs of 2006' category. It has been rather empty!

Good points of boy in question: could NOT believe I was single, and that I wasn't having 65 shags a week. Thought I was hot. Well, that goes without saying, non? Was a good snog. Knew all the words to Carola's various choons.

Less good points: did not have one good word to say about Linda Bengtzing. (VADFAN???)

KRRRRR.

OK this ranks as one of my shallowest ever posts. I am aware of this! I must be feeling a tad tabloid. Now, is 7 p.m. 'hair of the dog G&T time'?

2006-06-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

This is Christer Lindarw, Sweden's most famous transvestite! GAY PRIDE!

2006-06-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

Ulla! And the wee ones! (including her wee ex!)

Jag vill leva la Dolce Vita!

2006-06-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

Hey! Right, after a rather stern talking-to about the utterly dangerous pitfalls of living online from Missy Pauline yesterday, I resolved to do something about my online addiction (it's true!) and meet some real people, and real boys in the flesh, in the hope of actually finding someone that is right for me. I didn't say Mr. Right, I don't really believe there is just the one.

So today I decided to dare a little bit and go along to a VIDEO SHOOT! The Swedish group 'After Dark' is a transvestite duo, and one of them, Christer Lindarw, has recorded the Stockholm Pride song 2006. It is a reworking of 'Go West' but with the words 'go west' replaced by 'kom ut!' (yes, it's 'come out'). It turns out that some people from the Stockholms Gaykor, of which I am a sort of honorary member, had already sung the backing vocals on the track, and today, the instructions were to go along to Katarina Bangatan at 1245 dressed all in white.

Thanks to the wondrous shop that is Kappahl, I got some nice white culottes on Friday, and a new white tshirt.

This morning, after a MORNING SWIM IN THE LAKE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, and after a lovely family breakfast with Ulla and Albert (and after Tuff the dog had pooed all over the rug, poor thing), I decided to bite the bullet and go along. I was cacking it, thinking 'oh, you know, I'm not really in the choir, and they might be a bit pissed off that I am butting in'. But mindtalk to back of mind, off I went, with a lovely white belt made for Ulla by her friend Jan who is a kinky leather designer (did anyone say 'Sling pride!'? I think they did!).

So on the way out of the underground station at Skanstull, a lady asked me which exit was closest to Katarina Bangatan. I didn't know and said so, and she turned out to be Canadian, a lovely lady called Laura. We swapped numbers after finding Katarina Bangatan. She is smarting from a breakup so I figured we'd have some stuff to talk about :o)

Lalala. Arrived at place, was immediately ushered 'into shot' with the other Swedish pooves. It was amazing, working that camera! I've never done that before! We worked it a few times, then inside for 'fika' (coffee break) and then across the road to sing again ('Tillsamans!') with Christer eating cream cakes on a table.

Then a break. So off we popped to Medborgarplatsen and I sat with some lovely lovely Swedish men and drank beer and we talked about all sorts of stuff. It was SO NICE TO JUST GET OUT AND DO SOME STUFF!!! I was v happy.

They then said 'Let's go to Långholmen!'. Långholmen is a gay nudist beachy type thing that is apparently cruiseground-tastic a la George Michael as well. So off we went. It was great. Sitting with my feet in the sea, drinking fizzy water and singing 'Kom ut!' and harmonies. Such fun. And I got a tan!

Then we decided to head back to a park at Zinkensdamm where the last part of the video was being filmed. We marched up and down a hill waving our hands about, and cheering. I met a lovely French-English lady and made her laugh by saying inappropriate things in French. YAY!

I was just SO SICK of feeling crappy. This last week has been an uphill struggle, not helped by only the slightest trickle of work. I've been really down on myself, and convinced I am destined to be alone forever. And that kind of thinking never made a boy feel better!

So now I have swapped numbers with half the choir, who tell me Stockholm is a really hard city to crack, and that I have done really well so far. No wonder I have been seeking refuge online. But less so in the future.

Tonight on Patricia the disco boat, there is a 'foam party' (skumfest! på svenska!) and I am going to go to it, even though I am so very unsure as to what a foam party is and what one does there (apparently feel people up in a corner). After today, I'm realising that going just a wee bit out of my comfort zone and feeling a tad uncomfortable reaps tremendous rewards. And if I want to meet someone, they're hardly going to come knocking on my computer.

So off I go. I will update you all with news of what happened.

Innit? x

Doctor doctor!

2006-06-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

Can't you see I'm burning burning?

I had a *scare* yesterday. I have had a sort of hard growth thing behind my nipple, for quite a long time. It would come and go, and sometimes bother me. In the last month, I began noticing it a bit more. I was a bit concerned.

Then on Tuesday night, I had a very vivid dream with Kylie in it (which I would otherwise love) but where she DIED of breast cancer! Which was just so very not good.

I woke with the resolve to go and see a doctor. I did. It was a tad hectic, but apparently it is my lymph glands enlarged due to infection. I don't know what infection, but the doctor was quite reassuring about it.

So it looks like I'm not going to die in the near future. Phew.

Scary, though!

Oh. My. Word.

2006-06-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

What an exhausting weekend. I haven't been on for a while, what with This and her friend That. It is totally TROPICAL here in Stockers.

I went to Edinburgh, hereafter for brevity referred to as Embra, for the weekend. Richard Mellanby (with a Swedish surname!) was getting married, so I went. It was fun. I got rather drunk, danced the Dashing White Sergeant, saw lots of people I hadn't seen in an aeon, and sang 'Can You Hear Me Calling?', the best Number 1 that never was. To near-unanimous applause!

Getting to Embra was hecticity in itself - a bus from Stockers to Skavsta airport (only 90 minutes away! A stonesthrow!), then a nighttime trip in a bus from Prestwick, then a £20 taxiride to collect the keys to where I was staying. Phew.

The wedding happened in Roslin Chapel (sp?) which is apparently dead famous because of the Da Vinci Code. Which I have neither read nor seen. It was nice.

Then the reception in the Assembly Rooms. Oh and Jon was late, causing me to totally brassneck the entire bus on the way to Penicuik so they would wait 5 more minutes. "And if anyone has a problem, could they raise their hand? No? OK!"

Sunday was more hecticity. My sister and my cousin came with me to Harvey Nichols for lunch. Very sunny and very very chatty. Phew. Then drinks with other Uni friends, then getting v v drunk and eversoslightly shouty with the nursery Thingboxer. I ask you.

Then yesterday, hangover from the depths of the abyss, homemade humus and sushi, bus to Prestwick, much much much chattage with Pauline (*heart*) and then back on the plane. After a hair of the dog pint of Stella.

Today, back to Kaffebar with Ulla, recounting of events, in desertlike heat!

And now I am going out for a pint in a gay bar and I am going to learn some Swedish.

Lalala.

This is a dancefloor docu-soap!

2006-06-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

Back once again for the renegade master...

I am listening to Alcazar as I type. I *heart* Alcazar. Their song 'Alcastar' is a moment of sheer pop wisdom and how it did not win in 2005 at Melodifestival is a travesty of unparallelled proportion. (Apart from Shirley losing, obv).

Mad mad few days. Albert, Ulla's eldest son, graduated from "hogskolan" this week, which is like a further education college from what I can gather. So there was a big party on Thursday after his graduation ceremony, photos of which I will post in a bit. It was Swedo-tastic, and I met some nice people. I then passed out very early on due to overconsumption of 7% pear cider.

I was also cacking it about speaking Swedish. My passive Swedish is much better than it was, but me actually MAKING THOSE SOUNDS MYSELF?? Are you quite mad?

Ulla's parents came up from Lund. Which was a docu-soap in itself. Poor Ulla. She really did all she could to make it nice for them, and of course, it wasn't enough. Sometimes I am glad I have no parents :o) Then she had to meet her ex-husband's mother. Another 'good look' moment. She's a trooper is our Ulla.

So I went into town and bought some stuff yesterday, which was a bit mad since I am more skint than a ho with a chastity belt. But I was feeling a bit 'blah' and felt retail was the way forward.

I got the 2nd Bridget Jones book, and went to Ahlens record store where my eye was caught by a double CD of Anni-Frid Lyngstad's early Swedish hits (Frida from Abba to those not in the know). I was in the queue and then it looked like I was jumping in, so I let the other person go in front, which ended up in a mad British-esque 'No, no! After YOU!' moment. Then he said 'Oh what did you buy?' Me: 'Frida'. Him: 'Oh she has a new CD coming out! Maybe they have it! Shall we ask?' Me: 'Erm. OK!'

So we went and asked. Clocking a man buying a Frida CD is pretty much like clocking a man buying 'Tom of Finland: An Illustrated Guide'. So though they had no new Frida :o( he said 'If you are going out tonight, go to Connections!'. Ding-a-dong. He then bought his stuff while still managing to banter with me, then came out of Ahlens and offered me some sweets. Throwing the lessons proffered by my mother out of the window, I accepted. Asking 'Are these laced with ecstasy? I do hope so!'

He was called Roger, was 38, and had organized soirees for Shirley Clamp. (DING!)

So off I traipsed home, quite excited actually. I know getting hit on by a random in a record shop is very humdrum, but I am seldom hit on, so I was happy.

Ulla was like 'Well he must have had some kind of effect on you, your speech rate has gone through the roof!' So I had some food then went off to Connections.

Upon arrival, I clocked Roger, but he had shaved off his beard and looked totally different. He was like 'Where are your friends?'. Brrr. I said 'I live with a Swedish family. I did ask if they wanted to come, but they were slightly reticent'. He was putting his coat in, and said he'd come and find me.

Which he then did, as I danced around on the dancefloor. I said 'Hej!' and kept on dancing. Maybe I have no idea about this sort of thing. He disappeared, not to be seen again! I did look around, but nope. He had gone. Either I look better in the daytime, or he got the wrong end of the stick and thought I wasn't interested. Which is frustrating because it's not strictly true. I have not had a hint of a snog since March... Swedish boylove could have filled a wee hole.

So there you go. I stayed til 3, got stotting drunk and came home on the bus. I had a fag out the window upon my return (though I obviously don't smoke!) and passed out in my clothes. Such class! So maybe i will now go and brush my teeth.

Boys. I just don't get them sometimes. But who does?

Kram ned

2006-05-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

Ooh, backwards, Denmark means 'hug down' in Swedish!

I have had time to recover from the weekend. A bit. I got in from trying to find a pair of shoes (hello size 13 feet shoe hell) and doing some shopping for grocery to get a text from the lovely Roger saying 'Are you coming to the pubquiz?'. So I duly went. It was fun. We lost, but it was v g, and I got rather pissed on pear cider, which Ulla informs me is only ever drunk by 15 year old girls. So that fits my psychological profile perfick!

I woke up with a hornover again. Lalala. Then got an industrial shed-sized load of work in, so I did it.

A weekend of highs, lows, beer, hangovers, and dancing. And of friends. And fun.

Before I left Copenhagen on Sunday, I went for a scout round the erotica museum. Just for informational purposes obviously, and not cos I'm a perv. Honest. There was only one room of gayness, but it was quite good, and I had to leave rather quickly lest... well, you get the gist.

Copenhagen was v rainy. It was quite British in more ways than Sweden is, but I didn't feel much of an affinity to be honest. Sorry n all. It was still ace since it played host to the Pinkies reuniting, and the clubs rooled. And the hotdogs were nice.

It was lovely to come back to Sweden, and to travel up to Stockholm in the evening sunshine listening to Erasure. Again. I'm having such an Erasure period. Hmmm.

Sweden is lovely. And it looks like I'm going to have some visitors! Huzzah!

Tomorrow preparations for Albert's graduation party begin in earnest, and Ulla's mum and dad are coming up from Lund, which is in Skåne, next to Denmark! They speak Skanska there. Which is like a cross between Swedish and Danish.

Tomorrow I will also start my situp program again. It had been interrupted momentarily...

Wish I could think of something pithy to end. But I can't. So that's that!

Mendark

2006-05-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

Ha ha! So little sleep, so much to type! Just in door ish from Copenhagen. I need another holiday! My liver is still not very sure what it did to deserve the onslaught it has endured. Ladies of the United Kingdom - my liver does not salute you! I do though.

What a mental and yet very super weekend. I saw all the Pinkies! (HIYA!!!!) It was so amazing. Turning the corner of the street and seeing so many familiar faces. Then knocking over a pushbike, which somewhat ruined my entrance. Astwere.

The concert rocked. How can I put this diplomatically? I knew some of the words better than others. That's a good way.

The Danes were nice. Very direkt. But nice. Oh I'm too knackered to be witty. I'll do it tomorrow. I'm listening to 'Baby Don't Forget My Number' by Milli Vanilli. Criminal that it only made Number 16. And to think 'Blame It On The Rain' didn't even get in the Top 40.

Bah.

PINKIES - I HEART YOU. Thank you for reminding me who I can be.

Baby, I'm rushing...

2006-05-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

Right. Please feel free to live my holiday in photos. It was amazing. I didn't realise how much I needed a holiday til I was actually having one! Like having a poo? Who can say. AVVA PODAKINOMOU! Efharisto poli!

It was truly an amazing holiday. Involving:
* ashtanga yoga (oh my god in heaven)
* Lordi winning Eurovision (ditto)
* Getting rip-roaringly drunk with Xristina on some fierce wine
* Short circuiting the electricity in Anna's front room (oooooooops)
* Welcoming Anna's 82yo uncle home with staples in his head when he got run over by a bike
* eating my own body weight in cake
* eating my own body weight in feta cheese
* eating my own body weight in ice cream from Dodoni's
* eating my own body weight in just about anything that moved (or didn't move)
* picking lemons
* reliving internet via telephone (goodbye 1997!)
* understanding Danish! (sort of...)
* inventing jingles about anna's anatomy entitled "Black! FLAME!!"
* going to a drumming class in someone's front room who looked like Leo Sayer!
* swimming naked in the Med while being very aware I could stand on a sea urchin
* having SUCH smelly feet!
* What a niff!
* hearing 'Om Natten' by Jessica Folcker on the street at 3am and following the noise back to whence from it did come, as if in a schlager-trance
* watching the belgian tv news about the asparagus crop on a granny-it-just-can't-be-that-big plasma screen in tony's living room
* explaining two seasons of desperate housewives in 4 minutes
* FEELING TOTALLY LOVED
* totally loving that feeling

Today is a sort of special day. It is the anniversary of when I met Francis, in 1994. Someone I shared so much with, and whom I don't see now. I am so glad I did share. I hope he is too.

And here am I wondering if love can exist...

Off to Copenhagen tomorrow. More madness on the way, no doubt! Anyone would think I love the madness!

2006-05-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

Stockholm, 0400 hours, May 2006. It's hardly Drumchapel, is it?

2006-05-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

It is 4am and I am waiting for the bus to the station in Stockholm. This face was not put on!

2006-05-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

The kind of poster one should always see upon arrival at an airport!

2006-05-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hello Greece. This is Sweden.

2006-05-25T11:19:00.001-07:00

a nice painting in 'kinky' bar, downtoon athens

2006-05-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

anna picks lemons in the garden. as you do.

2006-05-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

Eurovision minus 2hrs.

2006-05-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

big fish, little fish, wavy lines...

2006-05-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

girls know how to work it!

2006-05-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

who needs eurovision when you can have sunsets like this?

2006-05-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Xristina and yes, the PARTHENON!

2006-05-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

anna points at lovely greek shoe. and looks a bit mental in the process.

2006-05-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

a wee present for Anna's mum. A kumquat plant!

2006-05-25T11:09:00.001-07:00

Anna touches her kumquat

2006-05-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

carmen QUI?

Quick hello from Athens!

2006-05-22T03:16:00.000-07:00

Hello! Quckly.

I am about to go and have breakfast (at 1 p.m., yes!) on the veranda looking out at the lemon trees in the garden. Greece rox! I didn't get to the Eurovision proper, what with the black market tickets at EUR 500 a throw. So I watched it here in Anna's boyfriend's Tony's house (any more apostrophes?) near the airport. On a huge plasma screen with the lovely Anna, the lovely Tony and the lovely Xristina, whom I last saw sunning herself naked on a rock in Amorgos in 2004! It was amazing and super.

Carola did Sweden proud, even though she looked half-possessed (and Carola, God tattoos are SO last century!). I was loving the blue and gold costume change.

Lordi won. Blah. But it was a good show, and next year HELSINKI DOTH BECKON!

I tried to figure out how to type in Greek characters, because I can see them on the keyboard, but neither Anna nor myself can figure out how to activate them.

I am SO GLAD I came on holiday. It is so much fun. We went to a deserted beach on Sat and yesterday and skinny-dipped. I sang Min Karlek out into the ocean on Saturday while Anna (ever the Scando) provided a running translation for Tony. Yesterday's song was Dancing Queen with a verse in Spanish.

The sun! The sea! The sand! The absolute lack of sex! The fact that getting a suntan makes me get da horn so very hard! Anyway...

We are going to Ashtanga yoga this afternoon! I've not done any for almost 3 years so I'm understandably doing the dread-age of it. I will keep you posted if I can still type!

Coffee calls...

I really ought to be working...

2006-05-13T03:24:00.000-07:00

...so posting stuff on here just seems so much more fun! Hey all.

I am working for a new company in Paris. They are nice. They sent me a heap of stuff, and I should be getting on with it but I'm not.

I had a bit of a shit day or two. As often happens on Internet, something that looked v promising on the boy front revealed itself to be not that promising after all, and I had gone and invented 'Bridget Jones gets married' volume 3, and was choosing a stylish bridal gown.

This most likely says more about me than anything else.

However, watching your pretty house of cards tumble is still a pastime I'd rather not partake of too often.

As Pauline, my spiritual guide in the disco realm, said 'If it's not real, don't invest in it'. So from now on, until we have met and seen if we click or not, it's a no-go (note to prospective suitors). It's amazing how deeply this all affected me. Yesterday I was a birrova snivelling wreck! But as I just rationalized on the phone, because I am here in the wilds of the north, and still finding my feet, any emotional connection is going to feel that bit stronger. Even if it is only virtual.

One good thing about this whole affair is that it would seem I am now ready to accept I have stylish French baggage, and not let that hinder me from opening up. Now I just have to find the right boy. WHERE ARE YOU?

I am going to Athens on Weds! I have no tickets for Eurovision but I do have plane tickets and somewhere to stay. And hopefully I will meet up with lovely Tim from the Pinkies while I'm there. Hurrah. Then Copenhagen. Then Edinburgh. It's all go.

I bought Shirley Clamp's new LP when it came out on Weds, it is v g. Rather MOR-y but v g. Of course, I couldn't say anything else.

That's all for now. Hej hej!

2006-05-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

OK it looks dodgy cos he is between my legs, but it isn't, promise!

Nice dog photo

2006-05-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote what I considered to be a pithy analysis of the pitfalls of modern dating here. But All and her friend Sundry considered that it was a bit too passive-aggressive for comfort. So here's a lovely picture of Tuff, the dog in the family I am living with.

Which I'm sure is much less passive-aggressive!

:o)

Typical!

2006-05-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

You wait ages for someone to post, then there are like, three at the same time. I remember the days when... etc.

I thought i would just write because summer is so very HERE now! Spring lasted about 5 minutes, and now we are having 30 degree heat! Today was ace. Ulla took me to her favourite cafe and we drank coffee and chatted to the regulars. One of whom is a top Swedish film-maker! He is called Karl-Johan de Geer I think. Anyway, he has got a new film coming out, and guess which ho-features is doing the proofing? AND translating it into French??

Yes girlz, 'tis I!

How exciting. It is so beautiful here when the sun is out. I know I do go on about it being beautiful a lot, but IT IS!

I had another sitting by the seafront moment, today to 'Stay With Me' by Erasure. It was so right, and I was lost in reverie and blubbing (but with my shades on, so fashion was saved!)

I love Stay With Me. It is from their 'experimental' album and it is sort of slow and bleepy, melodic and weepy. I want to dance to it as part of a pair and ... (insert Bridget Jones-esque fantasy here).

I did ordinal numbers in Swedish today (that is: first, second, third, for the non-linguists among you).

Obviously, left in such a hectic rush this morning that I forgot my travelcard, so had to buy a bus ticket home. In Swedish, if you please. Me: "Hej! Jag vill gå till Nacka" Driver (who was HAWT!) "Tjugo kronor" Me: "Varsågod. Tack så mycket!"

I was v proud of myself. I realise this is equivalent to "Bonjour. Ca va?" but I am loving it hard anyway.

Tonight we are watching Lady Chatterley's Lover and then I am going to Lino. (to get off with Sean Bean? I wish. Jag onskar.)

2006-05-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

Just in case you don't believe me, here IS my window! How fabulous is my view exactly? Do feel free to write an adjective in the 'comments'.

2006-05-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

phew what a scorcher!

2006-05-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

NO JOKE! This is the view from outside my house!!

2006-05-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

Me? A homosexual? Surely you jest sir!

2006-05-05T00:57:00.000-07:00

This I feel perfectly ca(m)ptures the essence of all that is K3.

Alle kleuren van de regenboog

2006-05-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

Hey hey Helens!

'Tis Friday morn. I am up bright and early thanks to the consumption of one too many shandies last night. Which always seems to make one wake up earlier (Salut Fred!)

So here I sit, farting really rather despicably. I am listening to Belgium's favourite Dutch-language girl group, K3. They are like the best selling act for the under-5s. When I lived in Brussels with Pauline and chum, I tried to learn Dutch thanks to K3. It wasn't the most rip-roaringly successful jaunt, but I did learn many useful words. Like 'vis' for 'fish' for example.

The song 'Alle kleuren' was arguably K3's finest hour. The chorus goes (my translation, sorry for any uber-clangers):
From Africa to America
From the Himalayas to the Wild West
From Africa to America
Yes things are so much nicer when we are together
Hand in hand, eye to eye
All the colours of the rainbow! (alle kleuren van de regenboog)

It really reminds me of a fun and Europe-tastic time in my life! Pauline was given the cd as a sort of joke, but the guy who gave it to him didn't realise that bad pop for the rest of the world = scintillatingly good pop for the Pauline and the Finda. Pauline's poor boyfriend, needless to say, didn't love K3. And he probably still doesn't love them now. I am going to post a photo.

They are called K3, by the way, because one is called Karen, one Kristell and one Katrin. Creativity all over, no?

Oh God I can't stop listening to it!!!

Also, my ex used to hate K3. Like, what was I DOING with that loser?! I once had K3 as wallpaper on my PC. And he complained bitterly til I took them off. Had I known he was using my PC to cheat on me with a hairdresser, I might have had some rather bitter complaining of my own to do.

My favourite pen (which is on refill no. 3, fact fans) is yes, a K3 pen. And I have door 'do not disturb' labels that say 'Jongens NEJ!' or similar (Boys NO!) on them. K3 I'm so with you.

I am trying to work out the dynamics of online 'friendships'. I can't work them out. And when I say 'friendships', you get me. It is so very head-throbtastically confusing. Pauline is advising me to walk away from that shop, or at least to get a money-back guarantee. Online shenanigans - I remain unconvinced. It does help fill up your time though...

OK so you want to know all sorts of juicy gossip then? Well so do I, that's why I subscribe to Popbitch. Oh you mean MY life? Well, I am loving living here in lovely Nacka (ie it is not "Nacka'd"!! Boom boom!). Ulla and her sons are so nice. And so is their immaculately preened dog. Part of me would like to say I miss Anissa, but I just don't! She was a total advantage-taker. And farts that would kill Ian Paisley that you blame on your unborn child. God help him when he eventually gets out - "It's your fault that mummy lost her figure and became a crackhead".

I have been getting a bit better at Swedish. I went for an assessment at the Folkuniversitetet (adult education centre) yesterday, and I sailed through Test 1. I fell flat on my face at Test 2 though. But I am level B1, which is q good apparently. I wish I had the balls to actually open my mouth though (I know that sounds a bit mad, but I get totally tongue-tied...)

Then I went on to CHOIR! I am so hearting that. Esp going to bars and getting drunk with poovetry after. We did some singing then off to the bar with my new best friend Nils, who is lovely and goes out with lovely Danne. So I met an ENGLISHMAN in the choir called Roger (hello!) and I thought he was like, 23, and lo and behold, he is thirty fucquing seven! So that's what daily semen facials do to a boy!

We had fun, and cracked British jokes. I was very loud. The Swedes look at you in a half-frightened half-disdainful way if you are too loud. And one too many ales tends to pump up my volume. It was great though. And I got the bus home. The bus is super because it talks, so I know when to get off (it would be a bit more hectic otherwise, in the dark, Sweden looks like anywhere else!) Sooz, I also explained to the throng how I helped you remember the gender of 'candle' in French. Just to prove a point, obviously, and not to attract attention or be fawned over, you understand...

I met some lovely men. Like, not boys, jaha? Men. Proper ones.

So I may have to go and touch myself inappropriately now.

Bye then :) Hope youse are all well likesay.

Hej hej!

A day is a long time in showbiz...

2006-05-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hello. Right, so much has happened in 4 or so days! Here is a brief synopsis...

On Friday, Anissa did my head in spectacularly. Not only did I become her secretary, but I was very close to becoming the Bank of Finda, and the chief bag-carrier. She decided it would be a good idea to go to a Buddhist retreat costing SEK 1,500. One problem, that left her with SEK 500 for the rest of May (that is £30).

Do you think it would be humanly possible for me to cook food in the kitchen and eat it while Anissa ate gruel? Do you think she'd kind of understood that? Hi, I'm Johnathon, please take me to the cleaners. No, I don't mind, really, no.

She left after trying to make me carry her bag downstairs (I refused).

And I decided to do something about my situation. Either I was going to come back home, or I was going to find a new place to live. So I chose option 2.

I type you this from a new Stockholm suburb, Nacka. After some frantic emailing and phonecalls on Saturday, I am now a houseguest of the lovely Ulla (a film maker) and her 2 teenage sons Albert (death metal guitarist!) and Samuel (speaks English and French!)

It has been hectic, but I left Anissa a note saying I had had enough. I wished her luck, but said I was her flatmate, not her partner.

When I told Ulla et al about the whole Anissa scene they were aghast. And so was I when I recounted it all.

I am knacked, so will end here. My room looks out onto a LAKE! It is lovely. And we have a dog! Called Tuf. He is a Lassie-dog! And he has impeccable taste, since he loves me!

:o)

2006-04-26T11:48:00.001-07:00

I am the kitten-genocide perpetrator.

2006-04-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

How much did I laugh?

2006-04-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Jag sjunger overallt i Stockholm!

2006-04-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

but... but... I HAVE the best hair! Not you!

2006-04-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

spring is springing!

2006-04-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

Did they know I was coming?

2006-04-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

Pour Fred: Si je trouve ca sur un t-shirt, je te l'achete! Tu vois, t'as beau avoir une allee a Berlin, a Stockholm t'as une MAISON DE SERVICE!

2006-04-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

a long street

2006-04-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

The man in this photo woke me up one morning, with the noise from the contraption on his back, which I think can be best described as 'a hairdrier for snow'.

2006-04-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

Look! I love Bob! And he's dilutable!

2006-04-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

Jessie the dug. She's very sweet you know. Apart from when I have to pick up her poo.

2006-04-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

Singing Shirley in town (this bit was 'min k�rlek till diiiiiiiig')

Mean grrrlzz of Stockholm!

2006-04-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

No idea what the title might mean, but I'm quite liking it! Hi world!!!! I've not been on forever, but I have been working so hard it is not even funny. My arse is killing me from this seat (and only from this seat, I hasten to add!). The good thing about doing lots of work is that I get lots of dosh and can keep living in the style to which I have become accustomed. (I wish!).

What has been happening? Erm. Let me gather my thought(s).

Right, I have been in touch with someone on the world's fiercest gay website (www.thingbox.com) who it appears went to NURSERY SCHOOL with me! Like, at the same time! I'm sure we must have talked about Abba and the need for the world to be taken over by a diminutive Australian pop icon in, oh, shall we say 12 years' time, circa 1976...

How strange, we were chatting away and then that came up! I almost wet my pants. It was very cosmic-tastic. How bizarre to come to Stockholm and be catapulted back into my earliest incarnation! When I couldn't SPEAK! And didn't even know who Shirley Clamp was!

Oh strangely as I type, the non-disco version of Christer Bjorkman's 'Tu n'es pas un ange' has come on. Well it is in fact the original version sung by Edith Piaf. And now Linda Bengtzing.

So Anissa has been sort of doing my nut in. Just with the farting, and the endless 'BUT I'M PREGNANT!'. Yeah, well bitch, I AIN'T THE DADDY! God, even thinking about touching minge makes me slightly uneasy... Perhaps I should sing her a rendition of 'Billie Jean'?

I went out for a wander with my camera the other day (in a rare moment of going out the house!) and snapped all sorts of weird things on my travels. I will post them after this.

Last night, I was treated (only in Sweden!) to a program covering the first 9 songs of the Eurovision coming up next month, with celebrities from the world of Scandic showbiz commenting on them! Presented by Christer Bjorkman (my ex-future husband. Christer, the hair! THE HAIR!!!). It was great. Predictably, the winner according to the Scandos was (yes!) 'Je t'adore' by Kate Ryan. Christer (ever the wit) said 'No it's not 'Shut the door, but Je t'adore!' I laughed, more because I understood his Swedish than anything else!

Do you know, Je t'adore is actually written by Swedes! So THAT'S why I like it so!

I am trying to sort out going to Athens for next month's Eurovision-gayfest. It should be do-able, I must phone Anna the Danish-Greek belly dancer that is my pal there.

I went to Lino on Saturday and got vaguely chatted up by a boy. I say vaguely because his very novel (it has to be said) technique for chatting me up consisted in: move 1) poke JF in eye! move 2) apologize profusely > when JF moves away, move 3) follow JF to other room, start dancing like a maniac in front of him and blatantly ignoring JF's body language. Move 4) bellow 'I'm from Yugoslavia!'

Topped off with move 5) have really bad curtain hair

I left.

But I did have a lovely hotdog just outside.

Oh I hope what I just wrote isn't cruel. Note to any prospective suitors (stop laughing at the back!) - please do not poke me in the eye. It is not a good look, it is not seductive and I will not think you are witty and amusing. Though love may well be blind, I do not wish to be. And anyway, if what they say about masturbation were true, I'd be typing this in Braille. Thank you.

I just downloaded The Producers. (note, if any bigwigs read this, I did not just download The Producers.) I am going to watch it.

Caro - ta for super chat. Di - ditto. Weeze - boys are BAD NEWS. Become a lesbian. I should know, I am one!

Oh I'm also going to upload 2 photos that made me crease myself (je me suis tordu de rire, quoi!). Loving u hard!

Anal mini-post

2006-04-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

Due to the overwhelming demand for the correction of the French mistakes in Kate Ryan’s homepage, here they are:

Chers Fans,

Mon nouveau site, qui sera en français, néerlandais et anglais est en cours d’élaboration. Merci beaucoup pour votre patience et votre soutien.

Tsk, Kate.

I have been working like a ho with her knickers on fire all bloody week. I did make a small shedload of money, admittedly, but my brain is somewhat dead, so this will be brief. Also, Anissette and I are off into town. I am going to buy her lunch. Cos I'm nice like that.

I have no other news. Apart from masturbation, which is hardly news really, is it?

It's the weekend. At long last.

Hope you're all rocking. Sorry I got your birthday wrong Chele. Hope it went well. Big Stockholm kisses to u. xxxxXxxxx

2006-04-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

Raymond & Maria (anyone's guess which is which) a mere stonesthrow from my flat!

2006-04-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

Kate! And a prize for the French mistakes!

Je t'adore!

2006-04-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hejjjjjj! (this is how Swedish girls say hello. Imagine saying 'Hey' but accenting the '-y' part WAY too much and at a frequency that only dogs will hear. I have really noticed it when at the supermarket, strangely.)

I am listening to/watching the Belgium entry for Eurovision. It is totally great. And in fact even better than the Swedish entry (Linda woz robbed, etc.) It is called 'Je t'adore' by Flemish songstress Kate Ryan. You too can watch it here if you want:
http://www.een.be/extra/subsites/eurosong2006/e_song_kand_32/index.shtml?video_4

Anyway, Kate's real name is Katrien, so she cunningly made it into two words and -kapow!- an English-language star is born. Right, I am going to upload the front page of her site. You can win prizes if you can find the mistakes in the French. (There are many.) I will upload an 'anal mini-post' with the corrections after. If anyone can think of a suitable prize, do add it as a comment!

Right, I have had a lovely week. It has involved a lot of messaging on internet, perhaps the most exciting thing the internet ever provided! (apart from porn) (and mp3s) (and ability to watch the French news every night). It has also involved an absolute SHEDLOAD of work (you wait for a bus, then 3 come along, and you say 'fucque this, where's my private jet?'). I am still deep in work. But I will do some later after this rant.

I FINALLY went to Connection's on Fri. It is super, free to get in, and plays super dance classics. They were playing the new 12" of Carola's Evighet (in English, 'Invincible') non-stop. They also played Shirley Clamp so I felt honour-bound to dance. Then found myself inexplicably in a tall Swedish boy-sandwich! Can't say I was bothered either way, ackch.

I downloaded Catherine Tait for Anissa's delectation, so now we have a Bosnian Swedish pregnant refugee going round the house saying 'Nah, but am I bovvered though?'. It is surreal!

We went for a super lovely walk for FOUR hours today! Sweden truly is the land that nature chose to make her own. It is just breathtakingly amazingly beautiful and calming. I heart. We borrowed the neighbour's dog, Jessie (how appropriate!) and walked and walked. We took a huge thermos of tea and sat like an old English couple talking about allotments and Swedish etiquette and things of this ilk.

I was supposed to have a date with a boy yesterday. By boy, I mean he was 38, in case my nutcase of a mother is reading this. He didn't ring though! Han ringde INTE! Oh well, his loss. There are loads of crocii (crocuses?) around. It is beautiful. And hardly any snow!

I bought a Swedish-English kids' dictionary (Min forsta engelska ordbok) and it is great. Much better than the grown-up (vuxen) dictionaries, which have no colour pictures. I mean, a dictionary with no pictures? HELLO!! I also bought a DVD with lots of Swedish pop vids on, including one by a Swedish indie group called 'Raymond & Maria'. This has always confused me, because there are 2 girls singing and I'm thinking 'Is one of them called Raymond?' I still don't really know. BUT imagine my surprise when upon viewing the video, I realised with UTTER DISBELIEF that it was made OUTSIDE MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

I almost shat myself, really. (Paul, sorry doll, eat my jealousy pie!). I have this new software that lets u take pictures of DVDs as they are playing, so I will attempt this technologically v hard feat and you too can see the distinctive 'yellow houses with red roofs'-ness that is Midsommarkransen (Midsummer laurel crown!) where I live. It was so amazing to see it on screen. I was like 'ANISSSAAAAAAAAA! Kom hitt! NU!'

Right, back into the depths of Air France luxury air travel with me.

Sweden rocks. I am HAPPY today! I know I'm quite happy most of the time anyway, but today I really feel it. It makes me want to cry actually! Which is q paradoxical. But TACK SA MYCKET SVERIGE. You rule!

xxx

2006-04-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

Shirl's new LP! 'Favourites in Swedish' *faints*

2006-04-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

Cliff! Your neck is not a good look!

No! Not Sir Cliff!

2006-04-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

Where to start?

At the beginning, 'tis apparently a v g place. I have had a nice w-e. It was pretty uneventful apart from my Saturday night dream. I swear there must be something in the water here. I have these ABSOLUTELY trippy and hyperreal dreams!

Saturday's was no exception. It was another ex-based dream. Which is crap. Do you know, every dream I have with him in involves me asking him to be honest with me and him totally skirting the issue. For the uninitiated, my ex and I went out for 8 years and at the end, he double-two-timed me right under my nose and it was not the best of looks.

So that was bad enough in itself. What made it even more surreal was the fact that shortly before turning into my ex, the person in my dream was Cliff Richard. And I was having sex with him. How wrong is that exactly? I was bumming Sir Cliff in my dream!

I really ought to see a medical professional, no? The worst bit was, you know how people can have plastic surgery to get rid of all signs of aging, APART FROM ON THEIR NECK AND HANDS? Well, I was sort of kissing the goose-like neck of Sir Cliff in my dream. And I did not find it v attractive either.

I woke up in some state. As you might imagine.

Honestly.

Right, now for some good news! SHIRLEY CLAMP IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM!! Which is just the total best news. The fact that she's covering Roxette on it is perhaps less good. But we don't care, with boots like that on, she can sing 'Old MacDonald had a farm (and was subsequently arrested for bestiality)' and we'll dig it.

My lovely Swedish teacher Regina from London (who'd have thought! My Swedish teacher was called 'Queen'!) got in touch today sending me a job ad for an English teacher in Stureplan. That would be a good look on the cash and pals front. What a nice thing to do.

I went out to Hornstull yesterday morning with the Anissa, and we browsed an eco-market, then had some super food while we listened to someone (the antithesis of Shirley) singing songs with (eek) a guitar. Wrongness. I toyed with the idea of going to Patricia last night, but after the 'no underground and dodgy taxiride' fiasco of last week, I decided to stay in and watch 6 Feet Under on SV2 instead. V g it was too.

Today, I got some work to do. It was fun. Then Anissa phoned to tell me she's expecting a baby BOY! So I met her at the mosque for some mint tea. As you do. She has been buying dinky kiddie clothes. Including a pink shirt. Hurrah. Gender identity is SO last year. Just ask Maureen Lipman. An ology?? 'E'S GOT AN OLOGY!

Oh I have started reading 'Watching the English' by Kate Fox. It is great. It's a bit like Bridget Jones tackling anthropology. And what could get more gay pride points than that? Unless it were being read to me by Colin Firth feeding me grapes, and then getting jiggy with my Scottish boy biscuit.

Jaha!

Oh. I am going on a DATE! With a photoless Swedish man called Peter! On Sat! I do hope he's not a dwarf. And has all his own teeth.

Right. I'm off to say 10 hail mary's for my Cliff-inspired wrongness. I would say 'Get thee behind me Cliff' but that would be unsavoury in a whole galaxy of ways.

KALLA NATTER by Jessica Andersson is the best song in the world (apart from 'Min Kärlek' which is untouchable). It totally just rocks the disco's balls til they're sore!

Anyway. Bye!

2006-04-07T10:14:00.001-07:00

The quayside from my Banderas moment...

2006-04-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

No she's not in Boney M!

2006-04-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

Anissa! The famed lady in Indiska amid the plastic flowers!

2006-04-07T10:12:00.001-07:00

Look at the bottom left-hand corner. Try not to laugh as much as I did!

2006-04-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

Fashion! And an arty photo!

Sunshine!

2006-04-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

Ladies! Gentlemen! Transsexuals!

Hiya. Not been on for a bit. Have been far too engrossed in living. HAahahahahaha. ie. have been too engrossed in:

* watching the DVD of Melodifestival 2006 I got on Tuesday! (screeeeeeeeeeeeam!)
* having in-depth chats with Anissa about the nature of karma and how to forgive our unfaithful exes (not really sure how that one's doing! and also, I'm not currently carrying my ex's baby!)
* watching telly! I got it in my room. There are only 4 channels, and they play unbelievable things like EMMERDALE with Swedish subtitles (no joke!) and The Man From U.N.C.L.E.!!
* freaking out because I had no work. And then I got some from a nice new company in Paris. Hurrah! Let's hope it doesn't turn out like NettProfile, who are a v bad company that owe me £1500 and refuse to pay! Thanks for that, I must remember to do companies 'favours' and not go on summer holiday more often!
* looking at 'the boyz' (tm). Spring has officially sprung! In my loins! If proof were ever needed of one's homosexuality (like I needed any!), every Spring brings it in ample quantities. Hello, are you a man of reputable age? Would you like to make poo-babies with me? And other implausible thoughts abounding in the 32-y.o. homosexual's head.
* gazing in wonderment and having super 'oh my goodness, thank you Life Training!' moments when I watch the sun set over the harbour. Yesterday's 'moment' was particularly poignant as I blinked back tears listening to 'This Is Your Life' by Banderas, and realising that yes, this IS my life, and I'm so glad that I am living it!

Thinking back to three years ago when all I could do was cry immobile on the floor at the industrial-sized betrayal spectacularly executed by my ex, it's amazing to realise I got over it, and my heart got even bigger! Now when will the next epic love adventure turn up! Hurry up, it's spring and I want to connect in every way!

I went to choir last night, and it wasn't on! But I met someone lovely called Danne from Finland - he's a Finlandsvensk, Nathalina! - in the lift. He is also lovely Nils from choir's boifreynd. So that was a bit 'oh!' then 'ah!'-tastic. Danne and I went for coffee, where he spoke Swedish and I spoke English, and we had such a good time! So he and Nils will get in touch when they get back from the USA with the Svensk choir. And I will have NICE FRIENDS! of the SCANDO VARIETY! Scream!

I went and bought Paul a CD in a bag. It's a limited edition. I got myself a wee thing or two too.

The Melodifestival 2006 dvd is amazing. I am trying to ration it, because there are only 2 dvd's and it's a whole year until the next shebang! I was amazed last night that Danne could speak Svenska and I could understand him! No, but really! So that's rocking.

I've been here for 3 weeks! And I miss the UK a bit. Do you know, what's really strange is that I miss France more! You can get the news on France 3 by internet here, and I am loving watching it. And France is so up le crique de la merde at the moment!

Right. So HELLO and thank you for reading my ramblings thus far. I will try to go to Connections tonight, and not look like a lone gay cruisetastic chicken hawk in the corner. If you don't know what a chicken hawk is, that's probably a good thing...

I am about to put up some more photos. One of STUREPLAN which is next to where Danne lives. It is the FASH-ION district! Linda Bengtzing sings about it in her unfairly-ignored second single, Diamanter.

Hej då!

2006-04-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

Linda B - she looks WELL hungry for microphone!

LINDA ROCKS! but not as much as Shirley...

2006-04-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

I have shamelessly lifted this from a post I wrote on a gay website. I cannae be boathered daein' it again, likes.

I have just had a nice stew that Anissa made before she left (while I was asleep). Where is she? Ho hum. The snow is melting! Then it snows again. Very unpredictable!

Anyway...

OK, I realise none of you were there. But I was. For those of you not in the know, Linda Bengtzing is a Swedish songstress much beloved by the gays of Sweden. Her singles have been very ‘bouncy’ and her recent crack at winning the Swedish Song for Europe, Melodifestival, was a v g effort.

Anyhow. She played at Lino, this super schlager club in central Stockholm (only a stonesthrow from Gamla Stan metro!) last night. Predictably, she rocked. Rather unpredictably, no really, she rocked. i.e. with the fags’ best friend, the heavy metal guitar, or axe.

Linda was promoting her new LP, Ingenting Att Forlora (Nothing To Lose) and it is effecticely chocka with axe-laced choons. Brrr. So she took to the stage with her blonde backing singerette and sang ‘Medan Du Sov’ (While you slept). It didn’t exactly set the place on fire, but was q good. For those that know, she played in the ‘trendy dance’ room of Lino, i.e. not the one where you dance to schlager and Kikki Danielsson.

She’s a chirpy soul, and was full of witty repartee with the throng. Of which I understood not v much unforts. Oh well. She then sang ‘Kan du se’ (Can You See), which also rocked out. I moved further forward. Then the fun started: she sang ‘Jag Ljuger Så Bra’, her Eurovision bid from this year. Two v gay dancers got onstage and did a routine. It was v g.

Then ‘Alla flickor’, her super big hit from last year. The crowd went mental. I had a ‘moment of oneness’ with the Swedes. It was fun.

Then the encore of ‘Jag Ljuger…’ again. I was scandalized! Where was her 2nd single ‘Diamanter’ (Diamonds) Where? WHERE? Nowhere, that’s where. Oh well, she still rocked.

The evening then became a blur of ‘Mariestad’ beer, boys and schlager. A bit like every Saturday for me nowadays!

Tonight it’s Andres Esteche at Patricia, the big gayfest on a boat. Pride!

Fredag.

2006-03-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

Hello. Haven't been on for a few days. Oops. Today I have reached the 2-week mark of being in Sweden. Am feeling a bit sorry for myself. This may or may not be related to the fact that I have been ill since I got here. Not debilitatingly ill, but I had a killer of a cough when I got here, then in the past 2 days, the cough has gone, to be replaced by an eternally running nose. Does one follow the other and is my body (kropp in Swedish) just getting over the assault?

Things with Anissa have been roller-coaster-y. I suppose they would be with a pregnant lady. It all reached a head on Weds, when she woke me up three times to ask for various things, and then she came in and took my travelcard. Now, I know she's not made of money, and me being me, I had lent her my travelcard on a few occasions, to help her out. But as seems to happen with me, the generosity started to be taken for granted. No longer was I offering to help, she was taking. Those of you familiar with the Lisette saga circa 2003-4 will find this story familiar.

So I talked to her about it and we sorted it out. As I said, "Two weeks ago, you didn't even know me, and though we are getting on really well, I don't like being taken a loan of. So don't do it. I won't thank you for it.'

Anyway. It's bound to be that bit more intense given the whole 'I know no-one' scenario. Breathing it in and accepting it is a good look, methinks.

The gay choir here is fun. Lots of them have talked to me, at rehearsal, in gay clubs... One guy even told me he had seen me lolling down Hornsgatan with my walkman, and thus hadn't said hello since I was in my own world.

Nothing new there then! I said next time he should say hi.

Anyway. The snow is back (after looking like it might go away) and it's all white outside. I just got asked if I could interpret in Paris next week! So I might be feeling even more impossibly international in a matter of days!

I may or may not go to Connections tonight. Based on past performance, I probably won't!
Do mail me if you've got a sec. It's nice to know what you're up to!
xx

2006-03-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

Shirley for Queen of Sweden!

Meet balls

2006-03-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

Hej! I just ate some meatballs. They are called kottbullar, which sounds like saying 'shit-buller' or some other trendyesque backwards slang phrase. Anissa and I just had a heated debate about whether or not all human beings had choices. I said they did. Anissa didn't. She got mega indignant and called me a 'spoilt brat'. Now I may be many things....

Anyway, I shall sit here and seethe silently instead. It wasn't so bad really.

This weekend was fun. I was supposed to go and watch the Gaykor do their dress rehearsal on Sat, but got up at 1330 hrs (rehearsal was at 1015). So instead, I went and got the shopping and then came back and drank lemon cider! (they have all sorts of super cider! and at only 2.5% alcohol there's NO DANGER OF GETTING PISSED! More's the pity!).

On Sat night, since I didn't go out to Connections on Fri, thus missing any potential nipple-tweaking, I decided to brave the sub-zero temperatures and go back to Lino where I went last Sat. I got there at about 2230. There was not a soul there! Well, about 3 souls. Things hotted up after about midnight. Paul, breathe in your jealousy - the great thing about this disco is that if a song gets a good reaction, they play it again about 10 mins later! So we had three helpings of Carola's 'Evighet', and three of Linda Bengtzing's 'Jag ljuger sa bra'. And countless renditions of Magnus Carlsson's 'Lev Livet'. Rock.

I was somewhat bemused when an older gent squeezed past me and caressed my stomach. He and his two friends totally stared me out and I was thinking 'oh dear, be this a spitroast cruise?' However, all was revealed about 10 mins later when he came up with his friends and said 'Hi Johnathon, how are you?' 'Errrrrrm.... I'm ok thanks, and you?' 'Oh, I'm fine! I hear you were talking to my boyfriend Johan...'. Me: "...?...". 'Yes, you see, I'm one of your sixty new best friends - in the gay choir!'

Oh god. So it would appear that Stockholm is indeed a small place. It turns out I had talked to his 'man' as he was wont to call him (hello Senga from Glasgow!) on Thursday night. Obviously we had connected thanks to our mutual admiration for Shirley Clamp (now if there were ever a reason to love Sweden...).

So that was quite fun. I then went to another outside bar (!!) in Lino whereupon I was befriended by a policeman from Arlanda airport. Woof! Who then said 'Oh, and this is my boyfriend'. 'Ah! HEJJJ!' Grrr.

The boyfriend was v nice, and we even chatted in Swedish! Amazing what 4 bottles of strong beer will do to you!

The clocks then went forward, after I had met yet another man from the choir, who insisted he was 'not a whore'. Ok. And then I got the last tube home to Aspudden (which I have lovingly nicknamed 'ass-pudding') and tried not to break my face/teeth on the long uphill trek home on the treacherous black ice! I then proceeded to text my ex (oh dear a bad look!) but nothing too too hectic, just saying I had dreamt about him loads, and was he ok.

Don't you hate that 'next day' feeling when you wake up a) feeling like poo and then b) remembering the stupid things you did? ie. texting ex? To be fair, ex replied with a perfectly nice text wishing me luck in Sverige. I then decided the only thing to do with a head like mine was to go for a long walk. Which I then did. I walked into town! It was bloody far away, but it was great. Do you know, I had to walk over a bridge and I looked down and the river underneath had frozen after the ice had already been broken? It was a super sight to see. I walked to Sodermalm, the southern island, got my first kanelbulle (cinnamon cake) and a Tiramisu flavoured chunky KitKat (a tad disappointing actually!) and then strode on into town, crossing the bridge to Gamla Stan, the old town. Unbelievably, someone has written 'LED ZEPPELIN - STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN' in the snow/ice on the river. Like, if you're going to spend that much time writing something, why not write something worthwhile, for ex 'SHIRLEY CLAMP FOR SVERIGES DROTTNING' or 'LINDA WAS ROBBED'??? I mean honestly!

Stockholm is so beautiful, even in the snow.

I came home via the Kungstradgard tube station. A camper station I have yet to see! Then last night, felt v tired after my hungover walk, so declined to go to Patricia, the Stockholm gay equivalent of the Tuxedo Princess in Glasgow. I stayed in and downloaded Pet Shop Boys remixes. Which in a way is just like going to Patricia!

Today I had no work, and it was bitterly cold, so I cleaned! (VAD? - the world). Then I met Anissa in town and we went to a fabulous shop called Indiska, where she bought all sorts of dresses. I took a photo. It will go up tomorrow. We then went to a fabulous gaybar (P, it's that one with the spinning chandelier and 'velvet' look) and had a nice salad. Then we faredodged our way home and here I am.

I do hope some work comes in tomorrow. I mean I paid all this dosh to be a member of the Institute of Translators and Interpreters. And I did the uber-hard exam. So I hope it bears fruit.

Oh, Anissa now knows my meaning of the word 'dolly'. She wouldn't believe I called anyone dolly until I showed her a selection of text messages. Walking around Indiska, I christened everything 'dolly'. It WAS all so dolly!

Anyway, this dolly's signing off now! Shirley Clamp for Queen of Sweden!!

2006-03-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

A boat! Stuck in some ice! On a lake!

Johnny, tu n'es pas un ange

2006-03-24T07:48:00.000-08:00

Right. Back am I. I am now sitting in our sparkling (ish) kitchen. I have discovered Anissa is a bit like a Glaswegian woman - i.e. heart of gold, but will tell you that you smell. Or will make obscene jokes about the size of your hands. Hahaha! The title of today's post refers to this song that is on an LP I bought by Christer Bjorkman, Sweden's Mr. Schlager, and my future husband.

The LP, Souvenirs d'amour, is in dodgy French (jaha!) but is produced by the same guy that produces Shirley Clamp (faints), and is totally danceable and epic. 'Johnny tu n'es pas un ange' was originally by Edith Piaf (I know, I downloaded it!), and the version Christer sings is just super. Like Min Karlek but in French, if you will. With a dodgy Swede regularly interjecting 'JOHNNY - TU N'ES PAS UN ANGE!!!!!' in the background. Yay!

I think I'm just going to pop it on again as I type...

Oh of course, this being Sweden, the song contains a KEY CHANGE! We love those!

Yesterday I plucked up the courage and went along to ABF-huset, next to Olof Palmes Gata, where the Stockholms Gaykor was rehearsing at 1830. Since I have heard from the world and his rent-boy acquaintance that being late in Sweden is akin to calling the host's wife a hingoot, I was Ride On Time (tm) in a Black Box stylee. It was cack-inducing to start with, what with having to explain who I was in my best English (still not so great at the old svenska) and get blank looks a la 'why the fucque are you in Sweden?'.

Still. It was ace in the end. I got put in with the Tenor Is. They are not like the Tenor Is in the Pinkies, since they have to sing like, an octave higher, it would seem! It's so hecqueticque! But nice. We sang Swedish things, Finnish things, a Village People medley, and an Abba medley that, sorry, was nowhere near as fabulous as Abba Pink! Hurrah! Then in old choir style, we got the underground to a gay bar!

Tres strangely, it turns out the gay bar in question is one I visited with her Highness Queen Pauline of Orkney two years ago, and (get this!) it's right next to Stockholm's Scottish pub!!!!! Like, Johnny, tu n'es pas un ange ecossais! So we piled in to the gaybar, called 'Sidetrack', and then I amazed the throng (...) with my word-perfect lip-synching of many a Swedish language favourite, including Magnus Carlsson, Jessica Andersson, and other rocking Swedish thangs.

I was a bit 'flavour of the night' (though no-one tasted me) and was chatting to all, and her close friend Sundry. Swedish people are nice, and I get the impression they are for the most part intelligent, which is what I'm looking for.

No sign of the mythical Lars. But there was a very nice Nils.

Anyway, came home (just two stops!), went to bed, got up today, gave A a massage, went to bed again. Did some translating. And now A's gone to work (she's a nurse) and I did some housework (eeeeek). And now I'm going to tackle Chapter 2 of Colloquial Swedish!

Then tonight, more disco dancing in a place called 'Connections' where I have had my nipple tweaked in the past. And no, it was not pleasant.

Thank you Carol for your inspirational message yesterday btw.

Kissage xxxxx

It's snowing men!

2006-03-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

Hello. It's all dark-ish outside since it has been snowing sporadically all afternoon! I slept for another 12-hour marathon last night. It's mad. I keep having very REAL dreams. Last night's involved my ex, and those dreams are never nice. I woke up in a birrova state, and when explaining the circus of hideousness that was my breakup 3 years ago, and how I had to leave Toulouse all on my own, and how I cried for the entire length of the journey back to Blighty, it all came back and I was in total tears again.

Bloody hell. Maybe some things just take longer to get over. Actually, I had sort of the same problem when I lived in New York for a month. I felt like I was all wrong and that it would have been great to have been able to show my ex all these great things in NYC. But a nice lady at work there pointed out 'Your ex is a bum. You just miss him because he was something familiar in an unfamiliar landscape.' I think she had a point. So that's maybe why he has been so in my thoughts over the past few days. Dunno really...

So yesterday, I decided to go for a walk while it was still light, and Anissa bumped into me en route, so we went together. We went for a wee walk (involving my first full-on fall in the snow!) and ended up at a FROZEN LAKE! So we walked for like half an hour over the frozen lake (it was SO mad!) and I got my photo taken standing on the ice beside a BOAT!... Like ON the lake! So once I figure out how to work this, I'll post it.

I am still loving Anissa. Even if she does do housework. She is next door watching 'That 70s show'. I went out to buy some more undergarments, and took 2 tunnelbana trains to go to Skanstull's 'Ringen' shopping center. I went round looking at lovely Swedish design things and thinking 'Hmmm.' Then I went for a semla (cream cake) and kaffe (coffee) at only 44 kronor. Yay. It was great. I am officially loving it.

Got train back, then went to supermarket (still a strange place!). Do u know, they sell Nescafe without the lids on, and just a foil covering??! They couldn't do that in England, some chav would take great pleasure in sticking his or her fingers through every one.

I think they asked me if I wanted a cap at the till. I had no idea, but they gave me one anyway. I bought some candles (when in Sweden...) and some PASSION FRUIT flavoured cider! And some pear flavoured cider. And some pepparkakor (ginger biscuits). I bought some cider the other day and was dismayed to discover it had NO ALCOHOL in it! VAD??

So I got some with alcohol in. And since I'm feeling generous, I got Anissa a wee box of Belgian chocolates. She is preggers, after all. And she makes a mean stew.

Right, I'm going to have some coffee and pepparkakor. mmmmmmmmmm
:o)

Oh what a beautiful Moooooooooooorning!

2006-03-21T03:11:00.000-08:00

Wow. The sky is SO blue! I just slept for TWELVE hours! It's just like being on holiday, but in a house. I have Svenska Favoriter on, and have checked my mail. Boring but nice. Anissa came in at 9 last night and we had a chat. Then I did some computer stuff and then I went to bed. And slept and slept and slept.

So there we are. I'm thinking, if I'm still getting over a cold and my body's still knackered from the constant strain of London life, it would be only natural to be having a 'kickback' reaction. So I'm quite happy to do v little for now. It might not make for very interesting reading though! Sorry.

Anissa has made some sort of goulash thing. She is paranoid that she is fat - I'm saying 'A-doll, you're 3 months' pregnant, chill with the fat thing, ja?' She was saying her jumper yesterday made her feel frumpy. And today when I went to throw away my teabag, I found the jumper in the bin! :o( oh well, it's her jumper.

Right, today I WILL DO A CHAPTER OF COLLOQUIAL SWEDISH. Ja så du!

Then a wee walk to Lake Mälaren. And apparently IKEA is only 15 mins away! Scream!

Puss och kram

Det vackraste jag vet

2006-03-20T08:48:00.001-08:00

Right. Back in from my afternoon vagaries. What a beautiful place. With lovely boys and lovely architecture. And biting cold! It's weird, it looks sort of different from the last time I was here, in October last year. Well, winter is not about to happen for a start. Strange thing 1 - when in the UK, I religiously refused to listen to anything non-Swedish. And now I'm here, I am sort of refusing to listen to anything Swedish. How fucque'd is that? So I had lots of fun bobbing through the streets to the sound of Jem's "They" (which is fabulous almost beyond belief) and Sandie Shaw's Girl Don't Come.

I was v efficient and got all my chore-y things done. Everyone speaks English, and so I do too.

I went to Ahlen's, this superfabulous home stuff store (Sooz it's where I got the oil decanter thing and the clock on a stick) and went to the basement, where I proceeded to let out the most distasteful bottom burps. I blame Anissa's Thai soup, lovely though it was. I thus criss-crossed the shop in an attempt to leave my bottom misdemeanors behind.

So predictably I got a smorgasbord (which means 'sandwich table'!) of Svensk choons, including the French LP by Christer Bjorkman (my future husband) on which he duets with SHIRLEY CLAMP not once but twice! Eek! They didn't have Linda Bengtzing's LP yet so I am bereft of it.

Blah blah blah. I'm going to have some tea and eat some v nice truffles I bought in the tourist trap confectionary store. There was a really hot boy in the tube home. He looked a bit like Morten Harket from Aha. Mind you, everyone looks a bit like that here! Hurrah!

Hej da! (sorry P, you Swedish grammatisk fascist!)

Stockholm here am I

2006-03-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

Hello. Thanks to the advice of the wonderful and golden-tonsilled Ms. L'aura Parkes, I am creating a blog. Which is actually quite a good idea, since that way, I don't have to ever write e-mail ever again! But I can still be filthy in chatrooms. Not that I ever am. You know.

So here I sit in my kitchen in Stockholm. I moved here on Friday from London. I had a nasty cold all last week, and spent most of it coughing up phlegm. Apart from when I went to Bristol to meet someone lovely. I wasn't doing much coughing.

My flatm8 is called Anissa, she's 32 (same age as me), and she is from Tuzla in Bosnia originally. First surprise on arrival was that she is 3 months' preggers! And she is a Tibetan buddhist. She went to see her lama yesterday. I'm not sure about her lama. He apparently hits people if they take drugs. And other unlikely things of that ilk.

I went to Melodifestival (Swedish version of Song for Europe) on Sat. It was totally ace. My seat was so far from the stage I felt like I was in a bloody satellite. But it was great, even if Carola won. Linda was robbed!

I went out with Dale from my Swedish class in London after, to a club called Lino, where they play wall-to-wall schlager (Swedish pop). I was so hard loving it! And the best bit was getting the tube back home at 2am! I live six stops from Gamla Stan underground (tunnelbana) and Stockholm really is beautiful.

Anissa says we should go to Budapest together, since she has a friend there. It's apparently even more beautiful than Stockers. Which I find rather hard to believe.

I went to the supermarket yesterday, which was an experience. Totally mad. No idea what half the stuff I bought is. I suppose that's half the fun. I got some pate, and Anissa was saying "oh god I can't eat pork". She had a craving for pate this morning though!

Anissa rocks. For now. I am so over forming instant judgments. HAhahahahahaha

I am apparently joining the Stockholms Gaykor (gay men's chorus) on Thurs. I hope it will be good. My Swedish is pretty much rubbish, but I have a lot of time, and willingness to learn. I have set myself the goal of finishing the Colloquial Swedish book by the end of May, when I'll be going to Copenhagen to sing with the Pinkies. I WILL ROCK IN SWEDISH.

Oooh. Must dash. They're playing 'Kalla Nätter' by Jessica Andersson, my new fave tune, on Svenska Favoriter, my new fave station.

Ciao!